The Dragoons Do Disney Movies
by MadamButterfly
Summary: Not like THAT you sickos! In the spirit of the parody genre, the Dragoons are now forced to act out my favorite Disney movies. Our next episode: Tarzan
1. Hop on the Bandwagon

Author's Note: WHEEE LOOK AT ME!!! I'm jumping on the Parody Bandwagon! Actually, I've been riding it for a while. I got inspiration for this fic while watching a Disney sing-a-long with my two-year-old brother. But hey, it beats Barney. Anyways, I hope this hasn't been done before....I saw a Disney thing in the Jak and Daxter category, but not here. I WANT MY ORIGINALITY BACK! Hope this doesnt suck too much. Enjoy ^_^  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD or the Disney movies mentioned in this wack-job I call a fic  
  
Legend of Dragoon Do the Disney Movies  
  
Prologue: Casting call  
  
Me: Okay, I'm gunna be a loser and follow the crowd. ROLL CALL!!  
  
All: We're all here, dammit, what the hell do you want?  
  
Me: See, told ya -- rude LoD characters and an even ruder author acting as a director. But hey, I have nothing better to do...cept my chemistry homework....  
  
Rose: You wanna stop talking to the readers and start doing your damn job?!  
  
Me: Was that a question or an order?  
  
Rose: Order.  
  
Me: Fine then. Let's see.....Dart? Rose? Haschel? Meru? Shana? Miranda? Lloyd? Kongol? Albert?  
  
All mentioned: Here, unfortunately  
  
Me: And um....Zieg, Lavitz, Doel, Wink, Guaraha....stick around I might use you if I feel like it  
  
Doel: I dunno why the hell I always seem to get stuck in these things, I'm only in the game for like 10 minutes and I die -- twice!  
  
Me: Just felt like it.  
  
The other aforementioned: Whatever.  
  
Dart: So what are our roles?  
  
Me: I have multiple roles for y'all  
  
All: *groan*  
  
Me: The more you whine, the more movies I will write about. Aite, let's get this party started!  
  
Miranda: Don't you ever $%^&ing quote $#%^ing Pink ever (*&^ing again!  
  
Me: Just for that, you get all the crap roles.  
  
Miranda: ^%#@$^&*(&*^$#@#@$^&*!!!  
  
Me: Enough already! Time for the madness to begin!  
  
(And so it shall....) 


	2. Butterfingers

Author's Note: Revised version of the chapter. I just got "The Lion King" on DVD so I just had to add this scene! It was too good to pass up!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD or Disney *bows to Walt Disney* Also, I don't own the rights to the lyrics of Outkast or the Ying Yang Twins  
  
Me: ACTION!  
  
Part One: The Lion King  
  
Cast: Simba = Dart; Rafiki = Haschel; Zazu = Miranda; Timon = Lavitz; Pumbaa = Albert  
  
(The sun rises over the vast African grasslands. The animals are waking, and they all begin to walk, run, gallop, fly, and however else they get around to one special place -- Pride Rock. PARTY AT SIMBA'S!!! Alright, then, kick it African singer!)  
  
Singer: NAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!! SUFENYAAAAAAA!!!!!!! MY MOMMY IS A HO!!!!!!!  
  
All: ?????  
  
Me: Hey, that's what it sounds like to me.....  
  
(So all the animals arrive at Pride Rock while a small, blue bird flys right up to Mufasa, King of the Jungle)  
  
Miranda: Damn $%^#ing director casting me as a @!$#ing bird!  
  
Me: The more you complain, the more crap parts you get  
  
Miranda: &^#(@)$^%$^%#*(@)@ *lands on Pride Rock and reluctantly bows to the lion*  
  
Mufasa: *smiles*  
  
Singer: IT'S THE CIIIIIIIIIRRRLCE OF LIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!  
  
(And the animals part, to make way for an old man, hunched over and walking with a cane. He climbs up Pride Rock and warmly greets the lion, who steps out of the way to reveal a small little lion with spiky blond hair)  
  
Dart: Hey! What the hell?! How come I'm all furry?!  
  
Meru and Shana: CUUUUUTEE!!!!! ^_____^  
  
Miranda: Why does *^&#ing Haschel get to keep his )(&^ing human form?!  
  
Me: Because he can't lift Dart as a human and I just wanted to see how you would look as a bird.  
  
Haschel: Shut up *picks up Dart*  
  
Dart: Hey! What the hell you doing?!  
  
Singer: IT'S THE CIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRCCLLLLLLE OF LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFEEEEE!!!!!!!!  
  
Haschel: *lifts up Dart*  
  
Animals: *cheering*  
  
Dart: HEY PUT ME DOWN NOW! *Kicks and screams*  
  
Haschel: *accidently drops Dart*  
  
Dart: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! X_x *twitch twitch*  
  
Haschel: oops. *Leaves*  
  
Animals: ......  
  
Miranda: (^$@$^())*^&%$##@@#$^^&**  
  
(This is the only other scene from "The Lion King" that I'm doing -- this takes place later in the movie, when Simba/Dart's all grown up and trying to take back the Pridelands from Uncle Scar. He gives his new friends Timon/Lavitz and Pumbaa/Albert a little assignment.....)  
  
Dart: *hiding behind a log w/Lavitz and Albert and Nala, noticing the throng of hyenas in front of them* Alright, Nala you gather the lionesses.  
  
Nala: *meow*  
  
Dart: Lavitz, Albert, you distract the hyenas  
  
Lavitz: *salutes* Right-o, Dart!  
  
Albert: That's very unprofessional  
  
Lavitz: Shut up it's Disney....plus that pig outfit of yours isn't exactly "professional"  
  
Albert: You can't talk back to your king!!  
  
Dart: Jokes on you, Albert, I'M the king now! haha  
  
Nala: *meow*  
  
Lavitz: So, what's the plan for distracting 'em?  
  
Dart: *evil smile* Live bait.  
  
Lavitz: *salutes* Right-o.....hey, wait a minute!!  
  
Dart: You have to! It says so on page 6 of the script!! *Hands Lavitz a script*  
  
Lavitz: *reading script* "Dart: *pleading* C'mon Lavitz/Lavitz: What do you want me to do? Dress in drag and do the hula?" Aww crap  
  
(Cut to Lavitz, wearing a plastic lei, grass skirt, and coconut shells, attempting to dance for the hyenas while Albert lies on his stomach with an apple in his mouth)  
  
Lavitz: *singing and dancing* WHOO-OW! If you're lookin' for a hunkin' pack of juicy meat -- eat my buddy Albert here 'cuz he is a treat!  
  
Albert: *spits out the apple* WHAT?!  
  
Lavitz: C'mon down and dine, on this tasty swine, all ya hafta do is get in liiiiiiiiine!!!!  
  
Albert: I beg your pardon?!  
  
Lavitz: *shaking like a polaroid picture* Aaaaaaaaaare ya aching?!  
  
Albert: Nope nope nope!  
  
Lavitz: *now shaking it like a salt shaker* Foooooooor some bacon?!  
  
Albert: I protest!  
  
Lavitz: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee's a big pig!!  
  
Albert: ExCUSE me, Mr. I'm-just-big-boned!!  
  
Lavitz: You can be a big pig too *pelvic thrust* OYE!!  
  
Albert: That's it, you're going down bitch! *Tackles Lavitz*  
  
Lavitz: Hey! I'm just following the script!!  
  
Hyena: I dunno whether to be hungry, turned-on, or afraid  
  
Me: I'm asking myself the same question  
  
~ ~THE END~ ~  
  
A/N: More to come soon, I promise! 


	3. Attack of the Glompers

A/N: See end of the chapter  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD or Disney  
  
Me: ACTION!!  
  
Part Two: The Little Mermaid  
  
Cast: Ariel = Meru; Trition = Lloyd; Sebastian = Albert  
  
(This is the scene where Ariel is in her grotto singing "Part of Your World")  
  
Meru: ^____^ look at me!!!!!!! *Twirls around in the water* OOOH! OOH! I GET TO SING!! *Singing* Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my collections complete? I WANT MORE STUFF!!!!!!!  
  
Albert: *Jamacian accent* Spoiled little brat, mon.  
  
Meru: SING AL SING!!!!!!  
  
Albert: No way mon  
  
Meru: UNDA DA SEA!!!!!!  
  
Albert: Your accent sucks mon. Yo mon I use da word "sucks" and "yo" and "mon" I hate you mon  
  
Me: Oh no. How will I ever sleep at night?  
  
Lloyd: ARGH!!! I HATE HUMANS!!!!! *Zaps a statue of Dart with his trition*  
  
Albert: Yo mon why couldn't I be da king mon?  
  
Me: Because I had to give Miranda a break...plus, it's just funnier to see you as a Jamacian crab.  
  
Meru: NOOO DADDY!!!!!! I LOVE HIM DADDY!!!!! I HATE YOU DADDY!!!!!!!  
  
Haschel: NO CLAIRE!!!!!!!!! *Crys*  
  
Meru: *blink blink* HEY THIS IS MY PICTURE *pouts*  
  
(As Meru is pouting and Lloyd is zapping, Haschel has another flashback of Claire in Rouge!)  
  
All: *blink blink*  
  
Lloyd: ARGH!!!! I HATE HUMANS!!!! *Accidently zaps Albert*  
  
Albert: x_x  
  
Me: You're gunna pay for that. STRIKER! RELEASE THE ANIMALS!  
  
Striker: hehehe....*releases millions of Albert glompers*  
  
Albert Glompers: YOU KILLED ALBERT YOU MUST DIE!!!! *Mobs Lloyd*  
  
Wink: No! Don't kill Lloyd! *Shields him*  
  
Me: Too late  
  
Lloyd: x_x Not fair  
  
Aerena: NOOO!! *Releases Lloyd glompers*  
  
Lloyd Glompers: YOU KILLED LLOYD YOU MUST DIE!!! *Runs after Striker*  
  
Striker: Wait a minute! I'm a fanfic author, I get eternal immunity  
  
Lloyd Glompers: Dammit *leaves*  
  
Aerena: YAY That means me too!! XD  
  
All other authors: *cheers*  
  
Dart: Hey, I want immunity, too!  
  
Lloyd: Me too!  
  
Me: No.  
  
Dart and Lloyd: Damn you  
  
Me: AND NO MORE GLOMPERS! They just start a vicious cycle that is very hard to stop -- the glompers of one character will kill another, and the glompers of THAT character will kill another, and it just goes on and on....there's gotta be a rule that says I'm only allowed to piss off a certain number of people per chapter....  
  
Lavitz: Ah, c'mon Tina! It's our only form of entertainment!  
  
Me: I would think YOU of all people would be the least willing to see Lloyd be avenged.  
  
Lavitz: True, true  
  
Rose: Tina -- you might wanna revive Albert and Lloyd quickly I dunno how long that cage is gunna hold them....  
  
Glompers: *bite scratch hiss*  
  
Me: Fine *revives the two*  
  
Lloyd and Albert: @_@  
  
Shana: I think we've had enough of that.....  
  
Albert: Ya mon  
  
~ ~THE END~ ~  
  
A/N: I think I might get in trouble for that last little bit. NO FLAMES PLEASE! 


	4. A Twisted Love Triangle

A/N: Okay, maybe I lied about the a scene or two thing. This is a looong one, don't really know why. My endings might a be little abrupt, but summer's just began and it's already fried my brain. Hope you enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: Do I really have to repeat myself? Fine, I don't own LoD or Disney and I don't take French.  
  
Me: ACTION!!  
  
Part Three: Beauty and the Beast  
  
Cast: Sorceress = Meru; Belle = Rose; Beast = Kongol; Gaston = Lloyd; The little dude that follows Gaston around (Lifu??) = Dart; Lumiere = Lavitz; Mrs Potts = Miranda; Clocksworth = Albert; Maurice (Belle's father) = Haschel; special guest apperances by Shana and Zieg  
  
(Prologue to the movie: There once was a selfish and vain prince who lived in a castle far far away [apparently, France]. One stormy night, and old woman knocked on the castle doors, asking for food and shelter for the night)  
  
Meru: *hunched over wearing a black robe* Please, help a poor old woman *knock knock* .....HEY! I SAID OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!!!  
  
Prince (whose identity will be reveiled later): What the hell...?? Oh, it's just an old woman  
  
Meru: Please won't you help me...  
  
Prince: No, you're too ugly for me to help. Go away.  
  
Meru: WHAT?! Did you just call me UGLY?!  
  
(And the old woman transforms into her true, plantinum-haired, skanty-clad self)  
  
Meru: AHA! Who's ugly now?! Unless you apologize and say that I'm too sexy to ignore, then I won't hex you terribly  
  
Prince: But you're just a kid...  
  
Meru: That's it!! *Transforms the prince into a beast and then hands him an enchanted rose* I now place a curse and you and your entire castle and you will remain like this forever unless you can get a woman to fall in love with you before all the petals fall!! MUWHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *Exits*  
  
Kongol: ARGH!!!  
  
(First scene: Rose is walking around her town, while the townspeople gossip about her)  
  
Townspeople: *in a huge song-and-dance number* There she goes that girl is so peculiar! I wonder if she's feeling well! She's a funny girl that Belle!  
  
Rose: WHAT?! YOU WANNA SAY THAT TO MY FACE?! *Draws sword*  
  
Me: Okay, who gave Rose her sword?!  
  
???: *runs and hides in the shadows* hehe  
  
Me: Rose, gimme the sword  
  
Rose: NO! *Stab*  
  
Me: *standing with a sword thru the middle of my stomach* Okay, Rose you're going on The List now...do you know how hard it is to get blood stains out of clothes?!  
  
Rose: Yeah, it really is a drag...  
  
Dart: HAHA! Where's YOUR immunity, huh?!  
  
Me: I'm trying to be a good sport here...and you notice that I'm not dead.  
  
Dart: Oh.  
  
Me: *writes on a sheet of paper* Well, at least I got Rose's sword now *pulls sword out of stomach*  
  
Rose: Dammit.  
  
Me: Now go back to the story! *Glares at Lloyd* That's your cue  
  
Lloyd: Oh yeah.... Hey, shouldn't I have girls fawning over me?!  
  
Me: Oh yeah.....ummm....SHANA!  
  
Shana: What?  
  
Me: Fawn over Lloyd  
  
Shana: *pouts* Fine....oh, Lloyd, you are so sexy I don't know what to do with myself *swoons*  
  
Lloyd: That was a lame swoon  
  
Dart: That's because she's only supposed to fawn over ME!!  
  
Me: Get over it. And, Lloyd, get back to wooing Rose  
  
Lloyd: Fine then...*ahem* Hello, Rose. I am the sexy, arrogant Lloyd. Look at my big muscles *flexes muscles* Don't you wanna marry me now?  
  
Rose: *raised eyebrow* What I wouldn't kill for my sword right now....  
  
Lloyd: Dart, tell her more amazing things about me and why she should marry me  
  
Dart: *growls* Tina, you are a dead woman....  
  
Me: Say it Dart! Why should Rose marry Lloyd?  
  
Dart: *monotone* Because he is the greatest hunter in the whole world.  
  
Lloyd: Say it like you mean it  
  
Dart: HE'S THE GREATEST *&^%ING HUNTER IN THE WHOLE *&^%ING WORLD!!  
  
Miranda: HEY I'm the only one allowed to say the word *&^%ing all the $%$#ing time!!  
  
Me: HEY!! Disney movies are rated G dammit! And plus, you're not in the movie yet. Go change into your costume  
  
Miranda: *&^$#$%&*((&^%$##%^ *leaves*  
  
Me: Where were we....oh, yeah, we're inflating Lloyd's ego.  
  
Lloyd: Hell ya  
  
Me: Watch your *&^%ing mouth  
  
Rose: Okay, I'm over this now. And no, Lloyd I will not marry you *leaves*  
  
Lloyd: Oh yes you will....  
  
(Next scene: Rose goes to Kongol's castle to save Haschel, who has been taken prisoner by Kongol)  
  
Rose: Hello? Haschel? Someone better be here to wait on me....  
  
Lavitz: Why do I have to be cast as the horny candlestick? *Featherduster walks by* Ooh, la la...  
  
Albert: I demand my dignity back! I mean, c'mon I'm a TALKING CLOCK!  
  
Me: You could always say no  
  
Albert: Then, I refuse to partake in this heinous butchering of Disney classics...and my own pride!  
  
Me: Are you sure? *Prepares lightening bolts*  
  
Albert: Um....I withdraw my statement  
  
Me: Thats what I thought.  
  
Lavitz: Okay, here comes Rose....bonjour madmoiselle! Welcome to the Beast's castle!  
  
Albert: But, Lavitz! Kongol doesn't want any visitors....  
  
Lavitz: Screw Kongol, he can find a date on his own...  
  
Rose: Back away from my leg, you little piece of insignifcant wax or else I shall retrieve my sword...  
  
Me: OH NO YOU WONT!  
  
Lavitz: That hurts, Rose. Really, it does  
  
Kongol: ARGH!!  
  
Rose: Kongol, you don't scare me. You never have, and never will.  
  
Lavitz: She scares me more than Kongol does  
  
Kongol: Me the Beast, Rose the Beauty-  
  
Rose: You got THAT right  
  
Kongol: Rose must be afraid of Kongol!!! ARGH!!!  
  
Rose: Okay, I'll pretend to be scared then you can let Haschel go, then show me around the castle and then forbid me to go into the west wing-  
  
Albert: I love that show  
  
Rose: *ignore* But I'll go in there anyway and I'll find the enchanted rose-  
  
Lavitz: Whoa.....HER name is Rose and HE has an enchanted rose!! It was meant to be!  
  
Rose: Don't make me get my sword  
  
Me: Not if you can get passed me first!!  
  
Albert: Plus you said something to the same effect in the last chapter  
  
Rose: ANYWAY...you'll get all pissed off that I found the FLOWER and then you'll drive me away from the castle and you'll chase after me and then I'll come back and then we'll bond and fall in love. The end, I GO HOME!  
  
Readers: Geez, just GIVE away the ending, will ya?!  
  
Me: You can't get off THAT easily!  
  
Haschel: I can still leave now, right?  
  
Me: Yeah go ahead, but don't go off set!  
  
Haschel: Dammit *leaves and converses with Dart at the catering table*  
  
Lloyd: I'm confused, is that my cue?  
  
Lavitz: What, no big song and dance numbers?  
  
Me: I would think you wouldn't want the big song and dance number, since YOU headline them.  
  
Lavitz: *singing and dancing* BE OUR GUEST, BE OUR GUEST, PUT US TO THE TEST!!!!!  
  
Rose: I can't take this anymore *stabs Lavitz*  
  
Lavitz: x_x  
  
Me: Okay, I hereby order that whoever gives Rose back her sword must be shot IMMEDIATELY!  
  
*Gun shot*  
  
Dart: x_x  
  
Me: Well, that solves the mystery  
  
Albert: Rose, you'd better run I think the Lavitz glompers are about ready to kill -- and the Dart glompers too, for shooting him  
  
Rose: I didn't shoot Dart! And does Dart even have glompers?  
  
Lavitz and Dart Glompers: grrr.....  
  
Albert: He does now  
  
Me: NO! Please, I think I can only handle so many glompers per fic *revives Lavitz and Dart*  
  
Lloyd: Now why did ya hafta revive HIM?  
  
Dart: Watch it, Wingly  
  
Rose: Have I mentioned that I WANNA GO HOME?! Let's get on with it already!  
  
Me: Okay, okay, but I must have some sort of fun-BALLROOM SCENE!!  
  
(Next scene: Kongol and Rose ballroom dance while Miranda sings)  
  
Miranda: I see. When you say "fun" you mean "torture"  
  
Me: yup yup  
  
Rose: Omg...Miranda said a full sentence without the word *&^%  
  
All: *gasp*  
  
Miranda: )*%# you all  
  
Me: See, Rose you jinxed it....go put on your dress before I use your sword against you  
  
Rose: But I feel naked without my sword...  
  
Me: Too bad. Kongol! Rose! Your cue!  
  
(Enter Kongol in a tux and Rose in a dress)  
  
All offstage: *hardly breathing because they are laughing so hard*  
  
Rose: Shut. Up. Now.  
  
Kongol: Kongol feel strange...  
  
Me: *in between laughs* Just...start....dancing....and Miranda....start...singing....  
  
Miranda: *curses under her breath* TALE AS OLD AS TIIIIIMMMME!!!!  
  
*Glass shatters and dogs howl*  
  
All: *cover their ears in pain* STOP!! FOR THE LOVE OF SOA STOP!!!!!!  
  
Me: Alright that was a disaster...let's move on...  
  
(Next scene: Haschel returns to his "hometown" [no, not Rouge] to tell the townspeople about the beast known as Kongol)  
  
Haschel: He's really big and he wears lion skin and he wields an axe  
  
Townspeople: Ya he's crazy  
  
Haschel: *to Lloyd, Dart, and Shana* Don't act like you don't know who I'm talking about!  
  
Lloyd: That's just it -- we have to act like we don't know who you're talking about.  
  
Haschel: Well, I'm telling you the truth and he's got my "daughter" -- *sniff sniff* CLAIRE!!!!! *Crys*  
  
All: *blink blink*  
  
(And Haschel has another flashback of Claire in Rouge!!)  
  
Lloyd: Ok, that confirms it -- lock him in the loony bin  
  
Haschel: *gets locked in the loony bin* You will pay for this....Claire, why do you hate me?! *crys*  
  
(Kongol lets Rose leave the castle and she finds out that Haschel has been locked in the loony bin)  
  
Rose: oh, no what shall I do?  
  
Me: Stop being sarcastic.  
  
Rose: Haschel's telling the truth, look! *Shows the people a magic mirror with Kongol in the reflection*  
  
Dart: Whooaa...where'd ya get that?  
  
Lloyd: Stop being stupid Dart-  
  
Dart: It's not me it's the translation  
  
Lloyd: This means we hafta go kill the beast!!  
  
Rose: Crap, that's not supposed to happen  
  
Lloyd: Lock her in the loony bin too  
  
Rose: *is locked in the loony bin* Someone PLEASE get me my sword!  
  
Dart: Hell no, I'm not getting shot again!  
  
Albert: Tina, there are more sophisticated ways of portraying a psychatric ward than "loony bin"  
  
Me: Maybe I LIKE the phrase "loony bin"  
  
*Lloyd and the townspeople leave*  
  
Rose: You got any ideas Haschel?  
  
Haschel: gwaaaaah....DOUBLE PUNCH!!!  
  
*Door is knocked down*  
  
Rose: That was ... too easy...  
  
Me: What did you expect? This is a parody of Disney, remember?  
  
Rose: Right. Now, let's go save *twitch* Kongol...  
  
(Next scene: Lloyd and the townspeople storm Kongol's castle)  
  
Lavitz: OMG!! Okay, Albert you hold them off and I'll go warn the others...  
  
Albert: Wait a minute...I'M the king and YOU'RE the knight. I'M the one who should be giving orders and YOU should be the one holding them off!  
  
Lavitz: Yes, but I'm a candlestick and you're a clock and candlesticks are MUCH cooler than clocks  
  
Albert: Why you little --  
  
Miranda: Will you two stop &^%$ing around and $#@!ing do something!!!  
  
Me: What have I told you about the MPAA rating?  
  
Miranda: How it's &^%$ing stupid?!  
  
Me: Well, yes, but...  
  
Lavitz: Guys, they're getting closer....maybe we should give Rose her sword back  
  
Rose: Hells yes  
  
Me: NO!! I think you'd rather have the angry mob storm your castle rather than face HER wrath  
  
Rose: Damn skippy  
  
Miranda: Ok, Kongol it's time for you to get off your *&^%ing ass and ^$(*ing do something!!!  
  
Lavitz: Don't you have anything nice to say?!  
  
Miranda: &^%$ no  
  
Kongol: ARGH!! Kongol ready to fight!!  
  
Lloyd: THAT'S my cue, right?  
  
Me: Right  
  
Kongol: Me kill you once, me do it again  
  
Lloyd: Bring it on, bitch  
  
Me: I give up. I officially make this PG-13!  
  
(And they have their epic battle -- man vs. beast -- on the top most balcony in the middle of a thunder storm.)  
  
Girls: Psh. Men.  
  
Rose: *bursting through the double doors* Oh no! Lloyd, don't kill Kongol!  
  
Me: That almost sounded sincere  
  
Lloyd: DON'T kill him? Alright then  
  
Me: You're the bad guy!! You don't have to listen to her!!  
  
Lloyd: Oh, well in that case -- *stabs Kongol*  
  
Kongol: ARGH!!!  
  
Miranda: Is that all you can *&^%ing say?!  
  
Me: Quiet!  
  
Kongol: *pushes Lloyd off the balcony*  
  
Lloyd: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh *fades away*  
  
Me: Where's my mattress?! DOEL!! GUARAHA!!!  
  
Doel and Guaraha: *drinking coffee* What?  
  
Me: Do what I pay you to do!!  
  
Doel and Guaraha: Right *positions the mattress, slightly to the left of where Lloyd actually lands*  
  
Lloyd: @_@ *stagers up* I'm good...really I am...ooh, pretty birdies...  
  
Guaraha: Nice touch  
  
Me: Thanks -- but to the movie!!  
  
Kongol: Me...dying....Rose....  
  
Rose: No Kongol, you can't die...I *twitch* love *twitch* you...  
  
(Final petal from the rose falls...is this the end of Kongol?!?!)  
  
Meru: ^_^ The prince found true love!! Okay, you can be human now!!  
  
(Lavitz is no longer a candlestick, Albert is no longer a clock, and Miranda is no longer a tea pot. And Kongol is now -- Zieg?!)  
  
Zieg: Whoa, that was a new experience  
  
Rose: O_O Zieg?! OH THANK GOD!! *Topples him in the heat of the moment*  
  
All: WHOA!!! SAVE IT FOR THE BEDROOM!!!  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Me: That actually teaches you a very important lesson....  
  
Dart: and what's that?  
  
Me: That personality should always be choosen over looks when choosing a mate...erm, maybe I should take my own advice  
  
Wesley: Aw, but I thought we had something special  
  
Me: Lose the smirk -- besides, you're not even in the right fic!! Go back to Legend of Us!  
  
Wesley: Grr...*leaves and goes back to my other fic*  
  
Haschel: That was odd...  
  
Me: Oh like you aren't  
  
~ ~THE END~ ~ 


	5. This is Your Video Game on Drugs

A/N: The premise of this movie is just too good to pass up. But yeah, I think this might be the last one for now....unless I get more inspiration or reviews. If you want more, review saying I WANT MORE! And give me a new movie to make fun of. If you don't want more, ::politely:: say PLEASE NO MORE and I will respect your wishes. Just be nice about it..  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD or Disney, and I don't know the story of Alice in Wonderland very well and I'M NOT ON DRUGS  
  
Part Four: Alice in Wonderland  
  
Cast: Alice = Shana; Mad Hatter = Meru; Unbirthday Guests = Guaraha, Wink; White Rabbit = Miranda; Tweedle Dee = Lloyd; Tweedle Dum = Dart; Queen of Hearts = Rose; King of Hearts = Zieg; Cheshire Cat = Haschel; Cards = Lavitz, Kongol, Albert, Doel  
  
Wohoo, I think I used everybody!  
  
Cast: YES! WE CAN LEGALLY SMOKE DRUGS NOW!!  
  
Me: Just because the rating is G, doesn't mean that the people at Disney don't sneak in adult themes to emotionally scar me for life  
  
Dart: You still aren't over that Bambi incident yet?!  
  
Me: NO! *Sniffle* Why did he have to shoot his mother?! WHY GOD WHY?! *Runs and crys*  
  
Rose: Sweet, I get to be the director now!  
  
Dart: No you don't, I'm the hero of the video game! I get to be the director!!  
  
Rose: But you play Tweedle Dum....I play the Queen of Hearts so I'M the director!  
  
Dart: I'm not dumb, it's all the translation!  
  
All: You keep telling yourself that....  
  
Me: NO ONE'S GUNNA BE THE DIRECTOR CEPT ME! I'm over it, go take your places!  
  
(First scene: Shana/Alice falls asleep and meets the White Rabbit)  
  
Miranda: Shana....choose the blue pill, or the red pill....  
  
Me: This is a parody of Alice and Wonderland -- not the Matrix. And will you PLEASE put on the rabbit suit?!  
  
Miranda: ^$#% no.  
  
Me: Do it or...*cocks shotgun*  
  
Miranda: *grumble* Fine.  
  
Me: Okay, now ACTION!  
  
Miranda: *&^% I'M &^%$ING LATE!!!!  
  
Shana: How curious, a white rabbit with a foul mouth....wait a minute, Rabbit where are you going?!  
  
Miranda: None of your #@!%ing business *jumps down the rabbit hole*  
  
Shana: How rude! I'm following you anyways....*jumps down the rabbit hole*  
  
(And Shana ends up in Wonderland. And now she's lost)  
  
Shana: I think I need a new PR campaign...I hate getting stuck with airhead roles  
  
Me: Okay, Shana....you'll be cast as the strong, intelligent female warrior as soon as Claire says she loves Haschel  
  
Haschel: CLAIRE!!! *Crys*  
  
(And you guessed it, he has another flashback)  
  
Shana: Thats just plain mean.  
  
Me: Thats just how I am  
  
Shana: Oh well....oh look, a mushroom! And it says "eat me" Hm....okay *eats the shroom*  
  
All: SHANA NO!  
  
Shana: Ooohh....preeeeetty colors.....I -- I feel funny I -- *grows twenty feet taller* WHOA!  
  
Kongol: Small one bigger than me  
  
Shana: *scans her surroundings* Oh, look! I think I see Meru! Maybe she can help me find the White Rabbit...oh, but first I think I need to get smaller....  
  
Me: Eat the shroom again  
  
Shana: Gladly! *Takes a big bite*  
  
Me: Oh god, what have I done?  
  
Shana: *shrinks to about 2 inches* That wasnt supposed to happen, correct?  
  
Me: Well, when you abuse the shrooms....ugh, here *uses all-powerful fanfiction magic to restore her to her normal height*  
  
Shana: Thanks. Now I have to remember how to get over to Meru....  
  
(Next scene: Shana finds Meru wearing a ridiculous hat, as well as Guaraha and Wink drinking "tea")  
  
Meru: *singing* Aaaaaah......VERY MERRY UNBIRTHDAY TO YOU!  
  
Guaraha: Must I say it again?  
  
Meru: YES!  
  
Wink: Can I go home now? All I wanted was a cup of sugar.  
  
Meru: NO!! Now SING!!  
  
Guaraha and Wink: ....to me?  
  
Meru: TO YOU!! A VERY MERRY UNBIRTHDAY TO ME!  
  
Shana: Excuse me, have any of you seen a White Rabbit?  
  
Guaraha: No, but if you find my fiance's dignity, I would much appreciate it if you give it back to her  
  
Shana: What do you mean? Meru has never had any shame....  
  
Guaraha: I was afraid of that  
  
Meru: HI SHANA!! Guess what?  
  
Shana: What?  
  
Meru: IT'S MY UNBIRTHDAY!!!!!!  
  
Shana: What's that?  
  
Meru: Well, if you have a birthday once a year then your unbirthday is the other 364 days of the year!  
  
Shana: Really? Then it's MY unbirthday too!  
  
Meru: *gasp* You know what this means.....  
  
Guaraha: Please, no more singing...  
  
Meru: A VERRY MERRY UNBIRTHDAY TO YOU!  
  
Wink: Shana, don't do it --  
  
Shana: To me?  
  
Wink: I warned you  
  
Meru: TO YOU!!!!!! *Brings out a huge cake*  
  
Guaraha: I'll just go back to my...*cough* tea....  
  
Wink: Don't say I didn't warn you....  
  
Meru: Make a wish Shana! Makeonemakeonemakeone!!!!  
  
Shana: mmm....okay, I got it! *Closes eyes and blows out candles*  
  
Guaraha and Wink: She's gunna blow!! *ducks*  
  
Cake: *KABOOM*  
  
(Now Meru and Shana are covered in cake...Shana looked P.Oed but Meru looks ecstatic. Guaraha and Wink just look annoyed)  
  
Meru: That was fuuuuuunnn!!!!! Let's do it again!  
  
Guaraha, Wink, and Shana: NO!  
  
Guaraha: Here, Shana....we like to celebrate unbirthdays with "special" brownies...  
  
Shana: What's so special about them?  
  
Wink: The special ingredient is....uh, "love"  
  
Guaraha: A whole big bag of love....hehe....[That 70s Show is one of the tightest shows ever]  
  
(Next scene: Shana leaves the unbirthday party with Guaraha's "special" brownies sitting uneasily in her stomach)  
  
Shana: *groan* Whoa there....oy my head...  
  
(Stumbling along the path, she runs into Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum)  
  
Dart: I'm. Not. Dumb.  
  
Lloyd: *twirls little flyer thing that's on top of his beanie* Weeeee!! I can fly!!!  
  
Shana: You had the shrooms, didn't you?  
  
Lloyd: Maybe, just one cap...hehehe  
  
Me: I knew this was a bad idea...  
  
Shana: Oh, yeah could you two help me with....uh....  
  
Me: *pst* Finding the White Rabbit  
  
Shana: Oh yaaaa.....the White Rabbit  
  
Lloyd: oooo..shroom...  
  
Dart: Stop that! *Smack*  
  
Lloyd: Ow!  
  
Dart: Who's dumb NOW?!  
  
Shana: Hello? White Rabbit?  
  
Dart and Lloyd: She went that way *points in opposite directions*  
  
Shana: You two are a big help...  
  
Dart: Thanks, baby :-D  
  
(Without any help from Dumb and Dumber -- )  
  
Dart: IT'S THE TRANSLATION!!  
  
Me: It's okay, Dart. Really, it is.  
  
Dart: Hmph. At least Striker believes me.  
  
Lloyd: Am I dumb, or am I dumber?  
  
Me: If you really hafta ask....  
  
(Shana continued on her quest to find the White Rabbit, and more drugs. Instead, she finds Haschel in a pink cat costume. But he doesn't seem to be too bothered with that)  
  
Shana: Haschel....?  
  
Haschel: You know, if I cross my eyes, I can see the tip of my nose?!  
  
Shana: I would kinda expect that from Meru, but from you....  
  
Haschel: *gasp* OMG if I bend my index finger like this, then it makes a Y!!!  
  
Shana: You had Guaraha's "special" brownies, didn't you?  
  
Haschel: Shhh....no one's supposed to know that....  
  
Shana: Well, could you help me find the White Rabbit? Or has the weed killed every single one of your brain cells?  
  
Haschel: Did you know that I have a birthmark on my thigh that kinda looks like a Minito's face?  
  
Shana: I think it's more the second one....but that's just GROSS!!  
  
Haschel: Guess who I am?? *Ahem* I'm not dumb, it's the translation!! Hehehe...  
  
Dart: Grrr....  
  
Shana: Okay, I'll be on my way now...  
  
Haschel: Wait a minute I -- WHOA!! *Trips and falls on his face*  
  
Dart: hehehehe  
  
(Haschel's moment of *cough* grace, actually helped out Shana -- he tripped over a trick wire which revealed a secret path to the Queen's garden)  
  
Shana: Oh, thanks for helping me out Haschel  
  
Haschel: *face still flat into the ground)  
  
(Next scene: Shana navigates through a shubbery maze -- )  
  
Tree: NI!!  
  
Me: No. Wrong parody.  
  
Tree: Darn  
  
( -- and at the end of the maze, she spots Lavitz, Kongol, Albert, and Doel dressed as cards and wielding paint cans and brushes, instead of their usual weapons.)  
  
Lavitz: *prancing and singing* PAINTING THE ROSES RED!!! PAINTING THE ROSES RED!!!  
  
Me: LAVITZ!! What have I told you about inhaling the paint fumes?!  
  
Lavitz: *ignore* PAINTING THE ROSES RED!!!!  
  
Kongol: *standing, very into his work* Paint rose red  
  
Albert: You paint the roses red  
  
Doel: No, YOU paint the roses red  
  
Albert: I'm a king, you have to listen to me  
  
Doel: But I'm your uncle, so that gives me superiority!  
  
Albert: But I killed you!!  
  
Me: That's not gunna work, Al, half of my cast is dead  
  
Albert: Actually, approximately 36% of your cast is dead  
  
Me: WHATEVER!!  
  
Doel: YOU'RE the one who's all into this flowery, fruity shit *pause*  
  
Me: I don't you already. I am no longer fighting the PG-13 rating  
  
Albert: I AM NOT FRUITY!! I married a woman!!  
  
Doel: That's what they all say...  
  
Shana: What are you four doing?  
  
Kongol: Paint rose red  
  
Shana: But why? What's wrong with white roses?  
  
Lavitz: Oh, Rose doesn't like white roses -- only red....HEY!! Did you guys notice that we're painting roses, the flowers, for Rose, the person?! That's just like -- whoa....  
  
Albert and Doel: It's not that great  
  
*Trumpets sound*  
  
Lavitz, Albert, Doel, and Kongol: OH NO!! Rose is coming!!! *They hand Shana a bucket and brush* Help us paint!!!  
  
(They feverishly paint while Rose and her midget husband, Zieg approach)  
  
Zieg: Was that REALLY necessary to make me a midget?  
  
Me: Yes.  
  
Rose: Off with their head!! Off with their head!! Muwhahahahaha I love this part...  
  
(The cards and Shana quickly hide the evidence and get down on their knees hehehe)  
  
Rose: Yes, yes, very good boys -- wait, what is this?! *Notices paint dripping off a flower* PAINT?! You PAINTED my precious flowers?!?! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!  
  
All: Dammit  
  
Doel: You give me one friggin part in this entire fic, and I get knocked off within five minutes?!  
  
Me: Just like in the game, huh?  
  
Doel: Grr....  
  
Rose: Wait! Leave the girl here  
  
Lavitz, Albert, Kongol, Doel: Dammit *dragged away by security cards*  
  
Rose: Shana, Shana, Shana...  
  
Shana: Rose, Rose, Rose...  
  
Rose: That's YOUR MAJESTY Rose to you....so what brings you to my kingdom?  
  
Shana: I'm looking for the White Rabbit  
  
Rose: Oh, you mean Miranda in that ridiculous rabbit suit?  
  
Shana: Yeah, I guess -- eh, Your Majesty  
  
Rose: Well, she's right here  
  
Miranda: &^%#$@!@##$%&*())*(&^$#$^%&&*  
  
Me: You know, maybe I should just make Miranda a mute  
  
(And Miranda is now a mute)  
  
Miranda: *kicks and punches the air for a while, then flips me the bird*  
  
Me: You're still a mute, no obscene gesture will get your voice back  
  
Miranda: *sticks her tongue out at me*  
  
Rose: So why were you looking for Miranda anyway, Shana?  
  
Shana: *blink blink* I honestly don't know.  
  
Rose: You mean to tell me that you've been searching for seven pages and over 1000 words for a PMSing Sacred Sister in a costume FOR NO PERTICULAR REASON?!  
  
Shana: Um...basically  
  
Rose: That's it. I can't work like this. Oh, yeah and off with her head *leaves*  
  
Zieg: Wait! Rose, honey, aren't you being a little irrational?! Damn these midget legs!! *Runs after her*  
  
Shana: She's not serious, right? Tina, I can keep my head, right?!  
  
Me: *exasperated* Yes  
  
Lavitz, Albert, Kongol, Doel: Us too?!  
  
Me: *still exasperated* Yes  
  
All: WOHOO!!  
  
Me: God, next time I do this, I'm sticking with my friends...they're easier to manipulate  
  
My friends: Watch it...  
  
(And after that little adventure, I immediately force every one of them into drug rehab)  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Rose: So what was this chapter's theme?  
  
Me: that DRUGS ARE BAD.  
  
All: Phooey.  
  
~ ~THE END~ ~ 


	6. I Can Fly!

A/N: I finally updated!! For your convience, I'm combining the Peter Pan chapters. I know, I'm being screwy with my chapter arrangement and updating, but whatever. I have nothing better to do than mess with your potentially brain-dead heads. Dammit, that doesn't make sense.........  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own LoD or Disney or any tuna company. Too bad. Also, I'm not a racist. All the racial terms used in this chapter were taken directly from the Disney movie. Cept "Native Neverlanders." And yes, Guaraha is my new bitch. And DRUGS ARE BAD!!  
  
Part Five: Peter Pan  
  
Cast: Peter Pan = Dart; Tinkerbell = Meru; Wendy = Shana; John = Albert; Micheal = Lavitz; Captain Hook = Lloyd; Smee = Haschel; Tiger Lily = Miranda; Indian Chief = Kongol; Lost Boys = Doel, Zieg, Guaraha; Random Pirate = Wink; Random Mermaid = Rose; Special guest appearence by Lenus  
  
Me: Hmm, this is a bigger cast than I thought....  
  
Dart: What the hell, Tina?! You said "Alice in Wonderland" was the last one!!  
  
Me: Well ya know how I lie...  
  
Dart: Just gimme that cast list....WTF?! I'm Peter Pan?!  
  
Me: I would think you'd like the lead role for once...  
  
Dart: But do I hafta wear....tights?  
  
Lloyd: *snigger*  
  
Me: Oh, it's a must *throws him a pair of green tights*  
  
Dart: grr.....  
  
Lavitz: *looks at the cast list* You cast the three biggest guys as lost boys?! Erm, excuse me, the two biggest guys and Guaraha  
  
Guaraha: I'll remember that statement the next time you want me to make you coffee...  
  
Me: WHAT?! I cast Guaraha in this fic?! That cannot be done -- who will get my coffee?! Speaking of which...WHAT THE HELL IS TAKING SO LONG WITH MY FRAPPACHINO?!  
  
Guaraha: *thru gritted teeth* Coming mistress...  
  
Albert: You could make Wink be your new bitch...she's got nothing to do  
  
Lloyd: Wink's MY bitch  
  
Wink: Huh?  
  
Lloyd: Nothing, baby.  
  
Me: I can't have a GIRL be my bitch, that would just make me a dyke...plus I like Guaraha better *wink*  
  
Meru: He's MY MAN!!!! *Glomps Guaraha*  
  
Me: I'm the author, I have veto power...and go change into your costume  
  
Meru: OOOH!! I GET TO BE A FAIRY!!!!! ^-^ *runs to change*  
  
Me: Maybe I can make Wink be a pirate or something....  
  
Wink: Huh?  
  
Me: Nothing.  
  
Shana: Has anyone seen Rose? Or Zieg?  
  
All: *blink blink*  
  
Me: Miss Diva is still having a fit in her trailer and Zieg is...uh, comforting her....ya know what they say -- "don't come knockin' if the trailer's rockin'"  
  
All: _-  
  
Dart: DADDY!! OMG MENTAL IMAGE!!!!! *Bangs his head against the nearest wall* GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!  
  
Albert: Are you gunna get to the actual fic now?!  
  
Me: Maybe....*examines cast list* Oh, well the parts y'all have now will hafta do...and we don't need any lost boys or mermaids for a while.....ok, PLACES!! ACTION!!!  
  
(Lights up: Cute little Shana is telling her younger brothers Albert and Lavitz [clothed in a white nightgown and pink sleeper, respectively] a story about Dart....Pan?)  
  
Albert: I feel a slight breeze...can we close a window?! Please?!  
  
Lavitz: *constantly pulling on his sleeper* I dunno how babies can move in these, this is so restrictive!!  
  
Me: Well, first of all, they usually don't make pink sleepers for thirty- year-old knights  
  
Lavitz: Shut up, you assigned me this part!  
  
Shana: AHEM!!! Back to my story of Dart...Pan...the boy who never grew up....now THAT's gunna put a damper on my love life...  
  
Albert and Lavitz: MENTAL IMAGE!!!!!! *Bangs their heads against the nearest wall* GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!!  
  
Shana and Dart: Shut up  
  
Me: Wait a minute...*reads script* "Dart Pan the boy who never grew up..." that's the Dad's cue...shit, I didn't cast a dad...oh well, I'll hafta substitute *lowers voice* Shana, you are moving out of the nursery tomorrow, you must grow up  
  
All: Now that was scary..  
  
Shana: Oh no! *Crys*  
  
Albert: *adjusts his lensless-glasses* Shana seems a bit too sincere....  
  
(Shana, Albert, and Lavitz fall asleep)  
  
All: That's a little random  
  
Me: WAIT!! Lavitz needs his teddy bear...  
  
Lavitz: You've got to be kidding me  
  
Me: Oh shut up, you already put on two song and dance numbers, is a teddy bear really that bad?  
  
Lavitz: I was high offa paint for one of those numbers...so I do not take responsiblity for my own actions  
  
Me: Just take the damn bear!!  
  
Lavitz: FINE! *Cuddles with the bear*  
  
(Enter Dart Pan, looking for his shadow, followed by bite-sized Meru)  
  
Dart: Here, shadow! C'mere shadow!  
  
Shana: Since when did we get a dog?! *Flips on the lights*  
  
Dart: NO!!! Now I will never find my shadow!! *Starts crying*  
  
Lavitz: Be a man, Dart.  
  
Dart: I'm not the one in a pink sleeper cuddling a teddy bear.  
  
Lavitz: Just because I'm more secure with my manhood than you...  
  
Shana: I'm going to ignore Lavitz --  
  
Lavitz: That's nice  
  
Shana: So, um, boy why are you crying?  
  
Dart: I'm not crying  
  
Shana: But you were crying.  
  
Dart: But now I'm not  
  
Shana: But why WERE you crying?  
  
Dart: Because I couldn't find my shadow.  
  
Me: Guaraha, lights...  
  
Dart: *notices his shadow* MY SHADOW!!!!! *Hugs the wall*  
  
Shana, Albert, Lavitz: ....  
  
Albert: So are you who we think you are?  
  
Dart: *stands with legs apart, hands on hips, and chest out* I'm Dart Pan!!!....in tights...  
  
Girls: Oooooh...and we thought your pants were tight....  
  
Dart: *blushes*  
  
Shana: He's mine..back off...  
  
Lavitz: So does that mean you'll take us away to Never-neverland?! *Hops up and down with the bear*  
  
Albert: I believe that is a double-negative  
  
Me: SHUT UP!  
  
Dart: You're really scaring me Lavitz  
  
Lavitz: This coming from the guy in tights...  
  
Dart: Yeah, let's go to Neverland!  
  
Shana: Oh, Dart I'm so happy I could kiss you!  
  
Meru: *turns red all over*  
  
Dart: I've been waiting for one of those since the third disk...  
  
(As they pucker up, Meru yanks Shana by the hair)  
  
Shana: OW!!!  
  
Meru: *curses in pixie*  
  
Dart: That's not very nice....  
  
Albert: I want to get on with the story -- how do you get to Neverland?  
  
Dart: Party pooper -- you just add a little pixie dust *grabs Meru and shakes the dust outta her* Now think of happy thoughts, and you'll fly!  
  
(Even with the happy thoughts, Shana, Albert, Lavitz, and Dart stay firmly on the ground)  
  
Me: He said, THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS, GUARAHA!!!!  
  
Guaraha: Right! *Pulls hard on a rope*  
  
(Now my wire system is working!)  
  
Guaraha: Don't I hafta get ready for my part?  
  
Me: You'll get ready when I say you get ready...  
  
Dart: Off to Neverland! * "flys" away*  
  
(Next scene: They arrive in Neverland and admire the scenery for a bit, while the crew of the Queen Fury gets a little restless)  
  
Pirates: YO HO YO HO A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME!!!!  
  
Wink: Isn't that the Pirates of Caribbean song? Hey, jackass! Keep your hands offa me!!! *Smack*  
  
Pirate: Oh yeah, she wants me  
  
(Enter first-mate Haschel -- an old, BAD guy)  
  
Haschel: So much for typecasting -- good morning, boys!  
  
Pirate 1: What's so good about it?!  
  
Pirate 2: You go and tell our "honorable" captain that we're tired of chasing Dart Pan!  
  
Pirate 3: We wanna loot ships! Slit throats! Pillage and plunder! Just SOMETHING to get off this island!!  
  
Haschel: Duly noted. You have anything to add, Wink?  
  
Wink: Nope. I'm just here to look pretty.  
  
Haschel: Much like Shana....good morning, Captain Lloyd!  
  
(Haschel approaches Lloyd, the Captain of the Queen Fury, wearing more ruffles than my entire wardrobe, smoking 2 cigars, and gently scratching his face with a plastic hook that I bought at Disneyland. Damn, what a waste of eight dollars.)  
  
Lloyd: *examining a map of Neverland* Where is his hideout?! We've searched every nook and cranny of this island no still NO sign of Dart and the Lost Boys! I must find Dart Pan!  
  
Haschel: Actually, Lloyd --  
  
Lloyd: That's CAPTAIN Lloyd to you  
  
Haschel: Um, right, Captain, the crew wanted to discuss --  
  
Lloyd: *ignore* We could get information out of the mermaids...no, they're too busy playing with their hair....we've already combed every inch of Cannibal Cove....and they're not in the Indian camp either -- *gasp* Haschel, I've got it!!! Miranda!!  
  
Haschel: Miranda?  
  
Lloyd: *grab's Haschel shirt by his hook* The redskins know every inch of this island -- if we capture the cheif's daughter, then they'll lead us straight to Dart!  
  
Haschel: Well, maybe, don't you think that...we could forget about Dart?  
  
Lloyd: FORGET about DART?! How can I when he did THIS *brandishes his hook* to me?!  
  
Haschel: *removes Lloyd's plastic hook to reveal a full-functioning hand*  
  
Lloyd: *wiggles his fingers, and takes back the hook* That's besides the point. With or without a hand, I still have a ticking crocodile after me because of his "childish" pranks!  
  
Haschel: No, you have Lenus in a crocodile suit holding an alarm clock after you.  
  
Me: Who volunteered for this part, might I add.  
  
Lenus: *alarm clock: tick tock* Come back my love!!  
  
Lloyd: God, why won't that woman take a hint!! I LEFT YOU TO DIE!!! DON'T YOU GET IT?!?!  
  
Lenus: But we were meant to be, Lloyd!!  
  
Lloyd: *looking through a telescope* At least I found Dart! Look at that fool! Sitting on a cloud like a sitting duck!  
  
Haschel: Yes, we have established that he is sitting.  
  
Lloyd: Shut up and get the cannons ready.  
  
(Back to the sitting ducks)  
  
Shana: Wow, Dart, it's so beautiful!  
  
Dart: I know  
  
Albert: There's the Indian camp --  
  
Shana: -- and the Mermaid Lagoon --  
  
Lavitz: -- and Captain Lloyd's pirate ship!  
  
All: Pirate ship?!  
  
*Cannon ball is fired at them*  
  
Dart: DUCK!!  
  
Shana: *smacks Lavitz* Why didn't you mention that first?!  
  
Dart: Meru, you take Shana and the boys down to Hangman's Tree...I'll take care of Lloyd.  
  
(So Dart, being the masculine hero that he is, flys down to fight the pirates while Meru jets down into the Lost Boys' hideout [Hangman's Tree] and wakes them up from their little siesta. Shana, Lavitz, and Albert lag behind.)  
  
Meru: *flys down to the Lost Boys and whispers in their ears*  
  
Lost Boys: *shoot down Shana with sling-shots as she flys past*  
  
Shana: AAAAAH!!  
  
Me: Guaraha, I hope you positioned a mattress before hand...  
  
Guaraha: Whoops.  
  
Dart: *catches Shana* Lost Boys!! Why did you do that?!  
  
Guaraha: *in a fox costume* Meru said that YOU said that she was a Shana- bird to be shot down!  
  
Dart: And you believed her?  
  
Meru: *giggle*  
  
Dart: Meru, you face charges of high treason! How do you plea?  
  
Meru: *shakes her hips indicating the two syllables "guil-ty" *  
  
Dart: Didn't you know that you woulda killed Shana?  
  
Meru: *nods her head*  
  
Dart: Well, then I hearby banish Meru from the hideout...FOREVER!  
  
All: *gasp* Not forever!!  
  
Meru: *death glare, then flys away*  
  
Dart: Well...maybe a week then. And from now on, the Lost Boys only take orders from me!  
  
Zieg: Why is the little one commanding US?! The BIGGEST characters in the game?! Well, except for Guaraha  
  
Guaraha: grrr....  
  
Zieg: And why am I the one in the rabbit suit?!  
  
Me: Because you were the only one who fit it  
  
Doel: *in the skunk costume* I feel the need to kill something....like, let's say MY NEPHEW!!  
  
Albert: I'm *cough* not your nephew I'm *cough* John Darling *cough*  
  
Doel: Well, you're fruity, just like my nephew...  
  
Albert: That was uncalled for...besides, remember the last TWO times you tried to kill me?!  
  
Doel: I'd...rather not talk about that...  
  
Zieg: Why don't we redirect our anger to the Injuns  
  
Guaraha: That's so offensive -- they are called Native Neverlanders  
  
Albert: I believe there is no such word as "Neverlanders"  
  
Lavitz: Can I be the leader?! Pleeeeease!!!!  
  
Zieg: We do NOT follow full-grown men in pink sleepers and carrying teddy bears  
  
Lavitz: *hugs the bear* Don't hate on the bear  
  
Albert: *puts on a top hat* I'm the leader!! *Glares at me* But I REFUSE to sing!  
  
Lost Boys: Us too. We refuse  
  
Me: Fine. You'll just listen to the annoying kids on the soundtrack. *Plays the soundtrack*  
  
Soundtrack: *in a super-high squeaky vice* WE'RE FOLLOWING THE LEADER, THE LEADER, THE LEADER! FOLLOWING THE LEADER WHEREVER HE MAY GO!  
  
Albert: *covering his ears* Are you sure this isn't Miranda singing?!  
  
Miranda: [still a mute] *flips him off*  
  
(They march to the beat of the annoying singers until they find themselves in a clearing surrounded by trees. Albert is the first one to spot the footprints on the ground)  
  
Lost Boys: INDIANS! *Digs war trenches*  
  
Guaraha: Native Neverlanders!!  
  
Albert: Judging by the distance between the heel and the toe, and the location of the prints....  
  
Lavitz: Oh god, he's going into egghead mode *walks away* I bet there aren't even any "native neverlanders" on the island....ooh, look, a feather! *Bends down to pick up the feather, and notices a tomahawk inbedded in the tree inches from his head* Ooh, how convient!  
  
(Lavitz then begins to jump and prance around with his new treasures like the stereotypical Indians you see in bad western movies. While he's having his moment of fun, he notices that the evergreen tree that was five feet away from him is now directly behind him)  
  
Lavitz: That's strange....*lifts up the bottom branches of the tree to see two moccasin-clad feet* ALBERT ALBERT ALBERT!!  
  
Albert: *talking to the Lost Boys* Now, the best course of action is --  
  
Doel: Who died and made you king?!  
  
Albert: Uh, lemme think -- YOU!  
  
Doel: Oh...but that doesn't count, you killed me!!  
  
Albert: Well you killed my father!!  
  
Lavitz: Albert!! Doel!! Zieg!! Guaraha!! I found them -- I -- *is pulled into the tree by mysterious arms*  
  
(While the Boys are arguing, various tree close in on the burly group)  
  
Albert: As I was saying...the best course of action is to sneak up on them and take them by sur-PRISE!!  
  
(Albert, soon followed by Doel, Zieg, and Guaraha, are captured by the trees and lead away in rope chains to the Indian camp)  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
(Next scene: Albert, Lavitz, and the Lost Boys are tied to the stake in the center of drumming and dancing natives. Lavitz's bear gets his own special stake)  
  
Doel: Nice going, Albert! BRILLANT idea to have a sneak attack...too bad THEY thought of it first!!  
  
Zieg: Just shut your ass up, Doel!! You don't always have to argue with him!!  
  
Doel: Nobody asked your opinion, Melbu!  
  
Zieg: Call me that again, and watch what happens to that pretty face of yours  
  
(Enter Chief Kongol, dressed in his traditional LoD outfit...cept for that huge feather headress)  
  
Kongol: How!  
  
Albert: *rolls eyes* Oh god  
  
All: How!  
  
Kongol: Many moons *opens arms gesturing the moon* we fight pale-faced Lost Boys. Sometimes, you win; sometimes, we win.  
  
Guaraha: Yes, now let's just say that YOU win, now turn us loose  
  
Albert: Turn us loose? You mean this is a game?  
  
Zieg: Yeah -- we win, we turn 'em loose; they win, they turn us loose  
  
Kongol: NO GAME! No turn 'em loose  
  
Doel: No turn 'em loose?!  
  
Kongol: Tell me where you hide Princess Miranda  
  
Zieg: We don't got your princess!  
  
Albert: I certainly haven't seen her  
  
Lavitz: Me neither, thank god.  
  
Kongol: YOU BIG LIAR!! If Miranda no back before sunset....*deep, foreboding voice* burn them at stake....  
  
All: *gulp*  
  
(As Albert, Lavitz, the Lost Boys face certain death at the hands of Kongol's tribe of Indians *ahem* excuse me, Native Neverlanders, Dart and Shana stay behind)  
  
Dart: I wanna show you something  
  
[Oooh....get 'em, Dart!]  
  
Shana: Please no more flying...  
  
Guaraha: WHAT?! More flying?! Okay *activates wire system*  
  
Shana: *screams*  
  
Dart: Okay, maybe we'll walk to Mermaid Lagoon  
  
(At Mermaid Lagoon, we find three skanty-clad mermaids, frolicing in the water -- )  
  
Shana: *glares at Dart* This isn't exactly what I expected...  
  
Dart: *nervous grin* Heh  
  
( -- and one really pissed-off mermaid wearing full-blown armor [except for the tail, of course] and wielding a sword)  
  
Me: ROSE!! Must you make everything impossible?!  
  
Rose: Yes. There is no way in HELL I'm wearing starfishes over my breasts!!  
  
Dart: hehe, she said "breast"  
  
Shana: *smacks Dart*  
  
Me: And who gave you back your sword?!?!  
  
Dart: NOT ME!! Please don't shoot me....  
  
Me: I WILL find the new person who provided Rose with her weapon....while you guys are continuing with the story  
  
All: *groan*  
  
Rose: So who's your friend here, Dart?  
  
Mermaid 2: *insulted* And in her nightdress, too!  
  
Shana: Oh, and you four are the epitome of modesty?  
  
Dart: Girls, this is Shana  
  
Rose: *evil grin* Do you swim, Shana?  
  
Shana: Um...no...  
  
Rose: Of course you do *splashes Shana*  
  
Other Mermaids: *splashes Shana, and pull her into the lagoon*  
  
Shana: *screams* Dart, make them stop! *Threatens the mermaids with a shell*  
  
Dart: *takes away the shell* Aw, c'mon Shana! They're just havin' a little fun!  
  
Rose: *innocently twirls hair* Yeah, we were only trying to drown her  
  
Shana: DROWN me?! Dart, if you think I'm gunna take this kind of abuse from your GROUPIES then --  
  
(Dart placed a hand over Shana's mouth after he noticed a small boat, powered by Haschel, row by carrying Lloyd and the captured Indian Princess Miranda. Following them was the constant tick-tock of Lenus's alarm clock)  
  
Lenus: Lloyd, my love!!  
  
Lloyd: Row faster Haschel!  
  
Dart: Yup, it's Lloyd...and he's got Miranda captured  
  
Me: That's just what my narrator said!  
  
Dart: C'mon Shana, it looks like they're headed for Skull Rock -- let's go!  
  
Shana: Fine.  
  
Rose: *smirk* Bye Dart  
  
Dart: Bye girls  
  
Shana: *smacks Dart*  
  
THE NEW SHIT BELOW!  
  
(Next scene: Dart and Shana hide in the shadows and watch Captain Lloyd try to get information out of Miranda)  
  
Lloyd: C'mon now, Princess....tell me, where is Dart's hideout?!  
  
Haschel: Um..Captain, isn't this kinda pointless? I mean, Tina DID make her a mute  
  
Lloyd: Oh yeah....then, wait how am I supposed to continue?!  
  
Me: You don't get any information out of her anyway, so there's no point in me giving her voice back *holds a glowing shell-necklace and laughs manically*  
  
Miranda: *flips me off*  
  
Lloyd: Uh....I think you're a little late on that, Tina -- "The Little Mermaid" was chapter 2  
  
Me: Shut up and go on pretending that you will eventually get information from her.  
  
Lloyd: Dammit....so, anyway, Miranda about Dart....  
  
Dart: *to Shana* Watch this...  
  
(He flys to the entrance of the cave and cups his hands around his mouth and says in a low, menacing voice)  
  
Dart: Llllooooyd....you're a dumbass....  
  
Lloyd: Haschel, I don't need any comments from you!  
  
Haschel: That wasn't me  
  
Dart: And your dick is really smaaaaaaaaaaall....  
  
Shana: *giggles*  
  
Lloyd: *blushes* Who the hell said that!?  
  
Dart: The Spirit of the Seeeeeaaaaa......  
  
Lloyd: More like chicken of the sea  
  
Jessica Simpson: Is it chicken, or is it tuna?  
  
All: .... where did she come from?!  
  
Me: *coughditzcough*  
  
Haschel: *sigh* One of the many mysteries of life. *Turns to me*  
  
Me: Don't look at me, I buy Starkist.  
  
Dart: Back to meeeeeeee the Spirit of the Seeeeeeaaaaaaaa.....and if you don't release Miranda then you will suffer my wrath! *Echos* wrath....wrath....wrath....  
  
Haschel: *shaking* M-maybe we should release her  
  
Lloyd: Don't be a pansy, Haschel! I'll go and check out this "Spirit of the Sea"  
  
(As Lloyd goes to investigate, Dart flys over to a rock above Haschel and Miranda and, using his cute little green hat as an amplifier, orders Haschel around by mimicing Lloyd's voice)  
  
Dart: Haschel!  
  
Haschel: Captain?  
  
Dart: Yes, it's me, the girly-man who is an insult to all Winglies, Lloyd  
  
Lloyd Glompers: *bulging out of their steel cage, foaming at the mouth*  
  
Me: *with a whip and chair* Back! *Crack* Back I say! *crack*  
  
Haschel: O....k....  
  
Dart: Listen! I want you to put Miranda in that little boat of yours and row her back to her people  
  
Haschel: Why?  
  
Dart: Because I will it!  
  
Haschel: That's not a very good reason  
  
Dart: I don't care! Take Miranda back to her people!  
  
Haschel: Fine then *hoists Miranda back into the rowboat* We have no use for a mute anyway.  
  
Miranda: *sticks out her tongue*  
  
Haschel: *rowing out to sea, humming "Yo Ho (A Pirate's Life for Me)"*  
  
Lloyd: *notices Haschel* Haschel, what the hell are you doing?  
  
Haschel: Taking Miranda back to her people  
  
Lloyd: No, I mean with the humming -- you can NOT hold a tune for the life of you!  
  
Haschel: Okay, you're getting your ass beat after filming, Wingly!  
  
Lloyd: Of course I am...but what was that about "taking Miranda back to her people"?  
  
Haschel: Oh yeah -- I'm taking her back  
  
Lloyd: Why?  
  
Haschel: Because you "willed" it  
  
Lloyd: I never "willed" that  
  
Haschel: Uh, yeah you did  
  
Lloyd: Uh, no I didn't. Go put her back.  
  
Haschel: Why?  
  
Lloyd: Because I will it!! THERE now put her back!  
  
Haschel: Back to her people? Or back into the water?  
  
Lloyd: *growls* Back to the water!!  
  
Haschel: *turns the boat around* Fine then...damn, make up your mind  
  
(Haschel rows back to where Lloyd originally had Miranda, and places her back into the rising tide)  
  
Dart: *still mimicing Lloyd* What do you think you're doing?!  
  
Haschel: Doing what you "willed"  
  
Dart: I willed that Miranda be returned to Kongol!  
  
Haschel: NO you didn't! You told me to put her back in the water!  
  
Dart: NO you senile old fool! I willed that Miranda be returned to her people and never be harmed again!  
  
Haschel: I think you just made that last one up just now  
  
Dart: SILENCE!! Either you take Miranda back or I personally see that you are never reunited with your daughter again...UNDERSTAND?!?!  
  
Haschel: *lip quivers* Claire....WHY CLAIRE???  
  
Miranda: *rolls her eyes*  
  
(As Haschel is crying, he has yet ANOTHER flashback to Rouge!!)  
  
Dart: Haschel, focus.  
  
Haschel: FINE! Fine, I'm placing her back into my boat...I am rowing back to the island...  
  
(Meanwhile, Lloyd followed Haschel to see who was giving him orders. He found Dart sitting, causally commanding Haschel using his hat.)  
  
Dart: Very good...oh yeah, when you go back to the Queen Fury, tell the crew to help themselves to my very best rum  
  
Lloyd: Hell no!! NO ONE touches my rum!! *Prepares to strike*  
  
Shana: Dart look out!!  
  
(Thanks to Shana's warning and Lloyd's outburst about his rum, Dart successfully dodged Lloyd's attack)  
  
Lloyd: *to Shana* Rose's right, you ARE useless!  
  
Shana: *sticks her tongue at Rose*  
  
Rose: *backstage* Oooh, I'm sooooo scared  
  
Lloyd: *still trying to attack Dart with his plastic hook* Dammit, hold still!  
  
Dart: Nyeah nyeah! *Flys down and hands Haschel a pistol* Try your luck, Mr. Haschel?  
  
Haschel: At what?  
  
Dart: At shooting me, stupid  
  
Haschel: How dare you disrespect your grandfather! *Fires a shot, but Dart dodges*  
  
Dart: Shit, he has better aim than I thought!  
  
(Clever little Dart then flys directly in front of Lloyd)  
  
Lloyd: No, Haschel!  
  
Haschel: Oh, don't tempt me *fires*  
  
(Dart flys out of the path of the bullet, while Lloyd falls into the water, apparently shot)  
  
Dart: *flys up to a cliff and takes off his hat* We mourn a great captain, cut down in the prime of his life....like I didn't already do that before....  
  
Lloyd: *sneaking up behind him, sword drawn* What a touching eulogy  
  
(Oh my god, he's alive!)  
  
Haschel: Captain! You're alive!  
  
Dart: *flys away*  
  
Lloyd: Thanks, dumbass, you ruined my element of surprise.  
  
Dart: *standing behind Lloyd* Surprise *pushes him off the cliff*  
  
(Now Lloyd is dangling by his plastic hook, which is gunna give any minute)  
  
Me: You break it, you owe me eight bucks, Lloyd!  
  
Lloyd: Okay Dart, just...pull me up and we'll leave Miranda and her tribe alone.  
  
Dart: Oh, I think I'd rather watch you squirm first  
  
Lenus: *in the croc suit* Don't worry my love! I'll catch you!  
  
Lloyd: Dart you bastard, pull me up!  
  
Dart: Too bad that plastic thing just broke.  
  
Lloyd: Shit *falls into the arms of Lenus*  
  
Me: Eight bucks!! That's coming outta you're paycheck.  
  
Lloyd: *being squeezed to death* You mean my IMAGINARY paycheck?! Get off me, woman!!  
  
Haschel: *rowing away* We're devils and black sheep and really bad eggs, drink up me hearties yo ho....  
  
(Next scene: Celebrating with Kongol, Miranda, and the rest of the "Native Neverlanders." That only means one thing....)  
  
All: PEACE PIPE!!  
  
Shana: Drugs are bad, I thought we established that with "Alice and Wonderland"  
  
Lavitz: If you don't like it, you don't hafta participate *inhales from the peace pipe and passes it to Dart*  
  
Shana: Fine then, I won't.  
  
Dart: *inhales, and then goes into a coughing fit* Holy shit! *Passes it to Albert*  
  
Albert: I think I agree with Shana, I really don't think that this is proper --  
  
Dart: Al, the peace pipe is supposed to go in your MOUTH not up your ass  
  
All: *gives Dart weird looks*  
  
Dart: It's an expression. Just take a hit.  
  
Albert: Okay *inhales, then goes into a coughing fit* Holy shit!  
  
All: *applauds*  
  
Doel: Quit hoggin' the goods! *Steals the peace pipe*  
  
Zieg: So, Kongol -- what makes the redman red?  
  
Kongol: Me not red.  
  
Zieg: But you play an Indian, and they were called redmen  
  
Kongol: But, me no Indian  
  
Guaraha: Native Neverlander!  
  
Doel: Shut up, Tiny  
  
Zieg: But you portray an Indian --  
  
Kongol: Me still no Indian  
  
Zieg: I KNOW that you're not an Indian, but for the sake of the STORY  
  
Kongol: Me still no red.  
  
Zieg: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! Dammit, Kongol, you're screwing up the song introduction! Oh, screw it, pass me that shit *inhales from the peace pipe*  
  
Miranda: *displaying an array of obscene gestures*  
  
Shana: Dumbasses  
  
(All the while, Meru is off in the distance pouting because she can't join the party)  
  
Meru: *pouts*  
  
(And then Haschel captures her and takes her to Lloyd. Now, to the pirate ship.....)  
  
Lloyd: Tell me, where is Dart's hideout??  
  
Meru: *nyeah nyeah*  
  
Lloyd: C'mon, ya need to tell me the hideout so that we can move on with the fic and then I can get away from Lenus!  
  
Lenus: *sitting in the water, still in the croc suit* My love, I will wait for you for an eternity!  
  
Lloyd: My god, she is pathetic!  
  
Meru: *nods*  
  
Lloyd: C'mon, Meru. From one Wingly to another.  
  
Meru: *ponders, then points to Hangman's Tree on the map*  
  
Lloyd: Thanks for the help, dear. Oh, and I won't lay a finger -- or a hook, on Dart. I promise.  
  
Meru: *pixie equivalent of "whatever"*  
  
(We now transition to Lloyd capturing Shana, Albert, Lavitz, and the Lost Boys. I know, Shana sings about mothers and stuff like that, but do you REALLY wanna hear Shana sing?)  
  
All [including Shana]: No.  
  
(My point exactly. So, Lloyd lowers a bomb into the treehouse, as a way to eliminate Dart without physically touching him)  
  
Lloyd: Hehehehe.....  
  
Dart: Pussy.  
  
Me: Alright, people, to the Queen Fury. I'm about to blow up the hideout.  
  
All: *covers ears*  
  
Me: I've always wanted to do this....hmmmm, what does this button do? *Presses button*  
  
*KABOOM*  
  
Lloyd: My revenge is complete! MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!  
  
Doel: Ah, shove it Lloyd, the director planned it like that.  
  
Lloyd: Silence, you inferior being!  
  
Melbu: That's MY line, bastard!  
  
All: *blink blink*  
  
Melbu: Whoops *leaves*  
  
Dart: *walking causally onto the deck of the Queen Fury, stuffing his face with crossant sandwiches* What the hell was that big explosion?  
  
Lloyd: !!!!! Nooooooooo, you -- you --  
  
Dart: Went across the street for sandwiches. Your caterers suck, Tina  
  
Caterers: F*ck you too  
  
Me: You can't deny that Daily Perks has the best crossant sandwiches.  
  
Lloyd: That's not in the script! You're supposed to die and then I win!  
  
Haschel: Sorry to burst your bubble, but I'd read the script again if I were you *hands him a script*  
  
Lloyd: *reads it again* Oh. Meru was actually supposed to escape and warn you and then Dart survives and beats my ass anyway. Shit.  
  
Dart: *finishing his sandwich*  
  
Guaraha: You better have saved some for me  
  
Zieg and Doel: Us too.  
  
Dart: Buy your own damn sandwiches, I hafta fight an epic duel with Lloyd so I can free you guys.  
  
Albert and Lavitz: *obviously sarcastic* Our hero  
  
Lloyd: Oh, fine then, let's get this over with.  
  
(The epic battle commences. Lots of swashing buckles and buckling swashes. Dart and Lloyd eventually end up at the top of the mast, and Lloyd once again ends up at the mercy of Dart)  
  
Dart: I love this part  
  
Lloyd: *wrapped in the pirate flag* Just hurry up and kill me.  
  
Dart: No. Torture is better. Now, spin around three times while singing "I Feel Pretty"  
  
Lloyd: Hells no!  
  
Dart: Fine then. Ooooh, Len~us!  
  
Lenus: I'll catch you my love! We'll run away together, and have six children! There names shall be Luna, Luis, Lucky, Linda, Leora, and Bob!  
  
Lloyd: GAAH! PSYCHO LADY!! *Spins around three times and sings "I Feel Pretty"*  
  
Shana and Lost Boys: *fall to the floor laughing*  
  
Lloyd: There. You have thoroughly humiliated me. Can you PLEASE set me free so we can end this damn atrocity?  
  
Dart: Well....I dunno....  
  
Lenus: C'mon, Dart! The faster you end, the faster me and my love can get to procreating! *wink*  
  
Lloyd: NO! I will NOT procreate with that -- that --  
  
Albert: Atrocity?  
  
Lloyd: Yes. Atrocity.  
  
Lenus: *annoying laughter* Oh, sweetie, you're such a kidder! Hurry up, Dart.  
  
Dart: *evil grin* In that case, you're free to go Lloyd.  
  
Lenus: YAY! *glomps Lloyd*  
  
Lloyd: I hate you.  
  
Guaraha: Is that the end?  
  
Lavitz: What about flying back to London in the pirate ship? I wanna be a pirate, ARRGH!!  
  
Rose: ANYTHING to get you outta that ridiculous sleeper! And me outta this fin....damn costumes...*flop*  
  
Albert: Let's just go to Daily Perks, I'm hankering for a crossant sandwich.  
  
Doel: Albert's buying!  
  
All: Yay!  
  
Albert: Damn you.  
  
~ ~ THE END ~ ~ 


	7. Raiders of the Temple of Doom on their L...

A/N: I never said the Disney movies had to be ANIMATED. And this is a basically all three of the movies in one chapter. Three for the price of one! Yay for you! And I am well aware of the fact that a "stone ball" is a boulder, but it's more fun to call it a "stone ball." PS: "Mulan" is next, I PROMISE!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD or Disney....Harrison Ford, call me!  
  
Part 6: Indiana Jones  
  
Cast: Indiana Jones = Dart, Lloyd, Albert (you'll see why all three are used in a bit); Girls that Indy sleeps with = Shana, Meru, Rose; Guy who dies in the first 10 minutes of "Raiders of the Lost Ark" = Doel; Shana's Drinking Partner = Kongol; Chinese kid from "Temple of Doom" = Lavitz; High Priest from "Temple of Doom" = Miranda; Indy's dad = Haschel  
  
::Raiders of the Lost Ark::  
  
Me: Alright Dart, ya ready?  
  
Dart: *tilts his hat* Yes.  
  
Me: And I must say, you look very sexy in that hat  
  
Dart: Hell yeah.  
  
Me: Okay ..... Guaraha, get ready with effects!  
  
Guaraha: Yes, Mistress.  
  
Me: Alright...go Dart!  
  
(Dart goes up to a golden idol with a bag of sand. Dart examines the idol, then the bag of sand, then the idol, then the bag of sand, then the idol, then --)  
  
Doel: Do something already!!  
  
Dart: Gaah! You ruined my concentration!  
  
Doel: Now! *Throws tomatoes at him*  
  
Dart: Alright! *Replaces the idol with the bag of sand* Happy?  
  
Doel: Yes.  
  
*Rumble*  
  
Guaraha: Hehehe  
  
Dart: Oh shit  
  
(The famous being-chased-by-a-big-stone-ball scene. See Dart. See Dart run.)  
  
Dart: *while running* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!  
  
(See Dart get squished by a stone ball)  
  
Dart: *squish*  
  
(Poor Dart.)  
  
Dart: I want a redo  
  
(The redo)  
  
Dart: *still running from the big stone ball* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!  
  
(He still gets squished)  
  
Dart: *from under the stone ball* Damn you.  
  
Doel: Maybe if you stop wasting your breath on SCREAMING like a PUSSY, you'd actually outrun the damn thing!  
  
Dart: *reshaping his hat* Shut your trap....Albert's right about you.....  
  
Doel: Oh really? And what does my pansy nephew say about me?  
  
Albert: Only that you are the biggest jackass *cough* I MEAN greatest uncle in the world!  
  
Doel: And when do I come in? I thought I do something before the boulder squishes Spiky over here.  
  
Me: Oh, yeah.  
  
(Okay, so, after Dart replaces the idol with the sand, Doel and Dart are running from boobie-traps)  
  
Dart: Hehe....she said "boobie"  
  
(Shut up. Anyway, Dart uses his whip to get him and Doel across a gaping hole. Dart, being the hero he is, let's Doel go first)  
  
Shana: Whip?  
  
Dart: Yeah, you'll get to know it better later tonight *wink*  
  
Zieg: *vomits*  
  
Dart: Okay, Doel, hand me the whip, so I can get across  
  
Doel: Toss me the idol, then I'll toss ya the whip  
  
Dart: You'll probably steal the idol and then run off my whip, but whatever *tosses Doel the idol*  
  
Doel: Heh, sucker *runs away*  
  
(Dart manages to get across the gaping hole without the help of the whip, and once he gets across the gaping hole, he finds Doel impaled by one of the boobie traps)  
  
Doel: *with a spike sticking out of his forehead* Crap! Again, I DIE within the first ten minutes of when I entered!  
  
Dart: Sucks for you *grabs the idol, runs away*  
  
(Okay, now enter the big stone ball)  
  
Dart: *running from the stone ball* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!! *gets squished*  
  
Me: Dammit, Dart, you're slowing down production!  
  
Dart: *flips me off from under the stone ball*  
  
Me: Whatever, we'll just cut to Shana's drinking scene  
  
(Shana vs. Kongol in a Mongolian bar)  
  
Kongol: Bring it on, bitch *takes a shot*  
  
Shana: Oh, it's like that, is it? *takes a shot*  
  
Kongol: grrrrr...*takes another shot*  
  
(It goes on like that until Kongol eventually passes out from alcohol poisoning)  
  
Kongol: *passes out*  
  
Me: Ummm......I don't have insurance for that, guys. Guaraha, Zieg, clean him up for me  
  
Guaraha and Zieg: *drag Kongol's body to the infirmary*  
  
Lloyd: Interesting. We have an infirmary.  
  
Shana: *swaying back and forth* Yeah that's RIGHT.....I am the Queen Bitch.....and don't you for-forget it *randomly starts giggling*  
  
(Enter Dart)  
  
Dart: I am here! What needs saving?  
  
Shana: Oh! Dart, ssssssssweetie....hhhhhow ya been? *Throws herself on him*  
  
Dart: I can use this to my advantage....*smells her breath* Eeew...well, at least there aren't any stone balls around  
  
(Think again)  
  
Dart: *running away from stone ball* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!  
  
Shana: Crap.  
  
::Temple of Doom::  
  
(The role of Indiana Jones will now be played by Lloyd)  
  
Female Readers: *swoon*  
  
Lloyd: Yes, bask in the glory of my pretty-ness  
  
Male Readers: *gag*  
  
(Scene: Lloyd, Meru, and Chinese Lavitz are in the Temple of Doom, witnessing a disturbing site)  
  
Lavitz: *now with black hair and speaking in a stereotypical Chinese accent* What disturbing is you make me Chinese!  
  
Me: You're my comic relief staple. Just sit there and look pretty  
  
Lloyd: Like me *smile, teeth go "ping" *  
  
Lavitz: Or....I could do Chenmony dance! *Waves his arms around chanting* Che-che-che-chenmony!  
  
All: ......what the hell?  
  
Me: Heh, thank my precal teacher for that.......  
  
(I thought we were witnessing a disturbing site)  
  
Lloyd: Actually, I think that dance was pretty disturbing in itself  
  
Lavitz: *curses him in Chinese*  
  
Lloyd: *gasp* You leave my mother out of this!  
  
(I meant the OTHER disturbing site)  
  
Meru: Hey, what's Miranda doing down there?  
  
(She points to Miranda, dressed in primal clothes and wearing war paint, who walks solemnly to a guy trapped in a cage)  
  
Dude in the Cage: Hey, how ya doing lady?  
  
Miranda: *sticks her hand into the dude's chest and pulls out his heart, still beating*  
  
Dude: WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?????!!!!!!!!!!!????  
  
Lavitz and Meru: OMG!!!!!  
  
Everyone on set: *vomits*  
  
Miranda: *lowers the cage into a pit of fire*  
  
Dude: *burns*  
  
Dude's Heart: *burns to ash in Miranda's hand*  
  
Miranda: MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Lloyd: I KNEW she was evil!!  
  
Me: Security!  
  
Miranda: *is taken away by men in an unmarked black van*  
  
All: .....  
  
Me: Moving on......  
  
::Last Crusade::  
  
(The role of Indiana Jones is now being played by Albert)  
  
Albert: Finally, I get a respectable part...with a really cool hat  
  
Lloyd: But -- but -- I still want to be Indy!!  
  
Me: I'm just trying to be fair -- since Dart could only be in one Indy movie, YOU can only be in one Indy movie  
  
Lloyd: Damn you Dart and your stone balls  
  
Dart: That's right, beyotch.  
  
Lloyd: Wait, that didn't come out right.....  
  
Me: Let's go back to the movie  
  
(Albert is lecturing his archeology class [without the cool hat], and his female students fawn over him and have "I love you" written on their eyelids)  
  
Albert: .... Anyway... in archeology, X never, ever marks the spot  
  
(Albert then meets up with a beautiful archeologist, Rose)  
  
Rose: Da *walks seductively over to Albert*  
  
Albert: Oooh...Rose...  
  
Rose: Don't get used to it.  
  
Zieg: *growls*  
  
(And they go on a mission to find the Holy Grail. Their journey begins in a library full of Roman numerals)  
  
Albert: Damn, X marks the spot....and when do I get to wear the cool hat??  
  
Me: Soon, sexy one...soon.  
  
(The only person who is able to help Albert and Rose in their mission is Albert's father, Haschel, the reigning expert in the Holy Grail)  
  
Albert: The fact that Haschel is the reigning in anything is beyond me...  
  
Haschel: Hush your mouth, young'in. Not only am I the reigning expert in the Holy Grail, I am also the reigning expert in lovin' *places an arm around Rose*  
  
Rose: *raised eyebrow* I am strangely turned on  
  
(But it turns out that Rose is a Nazi and she wants to take the Holy Grail so that the Nazis can take over the world, and Albert learns this after he sleeps with her.)  
  
Lloyd: I KNEW she was evil!!  
  
Rose: *curses him in German*  
  
Lloyd: *bottom lip quivers* My sister never did anything to you!  
  
Albert: How is it that Lloyd understands German and Chinese?  
  
Lloyd: It's because I'm sexier than you.  
  
Me: Lloyd, leave, you are no longer Indy  
  
Lloyd: *leaves, pouting*  
  
Haschel: *to Albert* Yeah, I always knew that she was a German Nazi.  
  
Albert: How could you tell?  
  
Haschel: She talks in her sleep.  
  
All: *shudders*  
  
Zieg: *cries*  
  
Me: You slut.  
  
Rose: IT'S JUST A LINE!!  
  
Me: Riiiiiight.....  
  
~ ~ THE END ~ ~  
  
Dart: *looking through the prop chest* Where is it?  
  
Shana: What are you looking for?  
  
Dart: The Indy whip....where is it?  
  
Lloyd: Actually, I just saw....  
  
Me: *cracks the whip, wearing a leather miniskirt and brassiere* Who's up for some fun?  
  
Cast: *jaws drop*  
  
Me: Sorry guys, I gotta borrow this for a little bit. Who's with me?  
  
Jimbo, Weasley, and Boberto: *eagering follow me into a dressing room*  
  
Cast: *shudders*  
  
Lavitz: *starts to follow*  
  
Dart: Lavitz....no. 


	8. The Legend of Cross Dressers

A/N: By request!! And since I am honoring Karu's request, I will also honor the request for Tarzan (coming soon). I'll see what I can do for Nightmare Before Christmas, but I'll do the first Aladdin (I think I should do the first movie before I do the sequel, don't you think?).  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own LoD or Disney. But I do own my special guests that moonlight from my first fic, "Legend of Us" and I also own the term "Bob the Chicken"  
  
Part Seven: Mulan  
  
Me: Large cast up ahead so I'll bringing out...::drumroll:: THE OLD DRAGOONS!!  
  
Old Dragoons: We prefer "original"  
  
Me: Whatever.  
  
Cast: Mulan = Rose; Mulan's Family = Haschel, Shana, Meru; Matchmaker = Miranda; Mushu = Lavitz; The Lucky Cricket = Guaraha; Emperor = Doel; Emperor's Counsel = Albert; General Lee = Zieg; Shang = Lloyd; Yao = Dart; Ling = Syuveil; Chin Po = Kongol; Shan Yu = Emperor Diaz; Hun Army = Kanzas, Shirley, Belzac, Damia; Special guest appearances by Lenus, Boberto, Timoty, Leroy, Wesley, and Lauren  
  
Haschel: ::reviews the cast list:: Of course. You cast me as the old guy.  
  
Me: Well duh. That's all your good for.  
  
Rose: Hells yes!! I can use my sword now!!  
  
Dart: Hahaha, but you have to dress like a man!!  
  
Me: Oh don't worry. You'll have your cross-dressing moment. And so will Syuveil and Kongol.  
  
Dart and Kongol: Ah hell no  
  
Syuveil: Why am I here?  
  
Me: Because you love me  
  
Syuveil: And who are you, again?  
  
Me: Well, hey, at least Lenus isn't here.  
  
Lenus: ::tearing past security:: LLOYD MY LOVE!!!!  
  
Lloyd: Soa nooooooo!!! ::runs away::  
  
Me: Who let her in?! Boberto! Timoty! I'll remember this when I start writing my next chapter of "Legend of Us"  
  
Boberto and Timoty [in security guard outfits]: Yes Lady Pimptress  
  
Dart: The Hun army looks a little.....scarce....  
  
Me: That's what extras are for  
  
Diaz: Why am I evil?!  
  
Shirley and Damia: Yeah, why are we evil?!  
  
Kanzas: I don't give a shit either way  
  
Belzac: Must....protect....Shirley!!  
  
Me: You do that  
  
Doel: I like my role  
  
Albert: Of course you do!! You get to boss me around!!  
  
Doel: ::rubbing his hands together, evil-genuis like:: hehehehehe  
  
Me: Okay, I don't want this to be too long.....Guaraha and Lavitz, just put on the damn costumes before I sick, uh...  
  
Lavitz: Who?? C'mon, gimme your best shot!!  
  
Me: MY SISTER!! GO, LAUREN!!  
  
Lauren: LAVIIIIITZ!!! ::glomps::  
  
Lavitz: Can't -- breathe --  
  
Guaraha: Haha, I laugh at your pain.  
  
Lauren: Yay for my cameo!! As a...glomper....  
  
Dart: I thought you got rid of the glompers long ago.  
  
Me: Lauren's different...I'm stuck with her for life  
  
Lauren: ::glomps me::  
  
Me: Can't -- breathe -- start -- fic -- ACTION!!  
  
(Scene 1: Rose goes to the matchmaker)  
  
Rose: Where's my sword?! Why am I wearing a dress and makeup?! WHERE'S MY &%ing SWORD?!  
  
Meru [the little grandmother]: Patience, young grasshopper! No, wait, I have a cricket for you, not a grasshopper ::holds up a cage with an itty- bitty Guaraha in a cricket suit:: Cuuuuuuuuute!!  
  
Guaraha: Chirp.  
  
Me: ::eye twitch::  
  
Boberto: Someone better hold her down....she's gets real crazy 'round crickets  
  
Miranda: Well that's your $#&%ing job to &$#%ing hold down the &%)(ing director!!  
  
Boberto and Timoty: Daaaaaaamn!!  
  
Haschel: Shit, Tina gave Miranda her voice back.  
  
Miranda: ::holding a broken shell necklace:: I &%($ing took it while she was )(&%ing asleep. ::cackles::  
  
Meru: BACK TO ME!! ::ahem:: Crickets are lucky!! Watch! ::closes her eyes and blindly walks across the busy street holding Guaraha in his cage::  
  
Shana [as Rose's mother]: Meru, no!!  
  
Guaraha: Please save us Soa  
  
Soa: Like hell I will  
  
(And Meru is run over by a speeding rice cart)  
  
Meru: ::dies::  
  
Dart: Ooooh!! Free rice!! ::chows down on the spilt rice:: What? Five second rule.  
  
Lauren: REWIND!!  
  
Meru: Crickets are lucky!! Watch! ::closes her eyes and blindly walks across the busy street holding Guaraha in his cage::  
  
Shana: Meru, no!!  
  
(And she makes it across the street -- alive this time)  
  
Guaraha: ::whew::  
  
Rose: Dammit  
  
Meru: Oooh!! I got more stuff! I got jade for....well, I forget, but it looks pretty! ::places a jade necklace around Rose's neck::  
  
Rose: I don't do ::eye twitch:: pretty!  
  
Meru: And here's an apple.....I think that's for posterity, or something along those lines....not quite sure what that means either, but at least you'll have a snack! ::sticks an apple down in Rose's sash::  
  
Rose: Anything else?  
  
Meru: Yes! I got this thing for balance, but I dunno how that would help ya balance it's pretty damn heavy it kinda makes you tip to one side ::gives Rose a pendant::  
  
Shana: Meru I don't think they mean balance in that way....oh, nevermind.  
  
Rose: ::rolls eyes:: Thanks, oh wise one  
  
Meru: ::beams::  
  
Shana: ::paints Rose's face with white makeup:: Alright Rosie, bring honor to our family.  
  
Rose: Don't call me ::eye twitch:: Rosie.... casting the Moon Child as my mother  
  
Shana: I heard that!  
  
Rose: Good!  
  
Miranda: HEY! Rose, get your ass in here and lemme see if I can marry you off.  
  
Zieg: ::praying:: Please pick me please pick me  
  
(Rose enters the building and notices that the room is not a nice little tea room -- it's an intergation room with a big bright light and the whole sha-bang)  
  
Rose: What the....  
  
Me: I didn't authorize that!!  
  
Miranda: This is the chapter where I get my dignity back ::shining the bright light on Rose, sitting at a little black table:: So, your husband comes home....what's the first thing you do to make him happy?  
  
Rose: You're actually gunna give her dignity back, Tina?  
  
Me: I might as well, I got enough to deal with the Lloyd glompers, I don't need Miranda glompers attacking me either.  
  
Dart: A girl can have glompers?  
  
Miranda: &$#% yeah!!  
  
Me: I even hired myself a bodyguard for protection against such glompers ::gestures toward Leroy::  
  
Leroy: ::in traditional Kongol garb:: The word "hired" implies that I'm gettting paid for my services. And do I really have to wear this? Boberto and Timoty don't hafta wear their "Legend of Us" costumes!  
  
Me: You're lucky I'm not making you talk like Kongol  
  
Kongol: Kongol take offence to that  
  
Me: Tina knows, that's why Tina wrote it in. Anyway, Leroy, you're my friend you shouldn't expect a reward for protecting me!  
  
Leroy: But am I getting one, right?  
  
Me: I'll look into it.  
  
(Back to Miranda's "matchmaking")  
  
Miranda: Answer the $#&%ing question!!  
  
Rose: Um....tell him to pick up his dirty socks or else I'll leave him for his son?  
  
Zieg, Dart, Shana: WHAT?!  
  
Rose: Let that be a warning to all of you  
  
Miranda: WRONG!! SHAME!! DISHONOR!! $$())(!!#()(())$%%&&%$#$%&&((%$!!!!!  
  
Rose: I was wondering how long you could go before doing that.  
  
Miranda: ::bursting outside, and yelling to the crowd:: Rose will NEVER be a good bride, and she will NOT bring honor to your family!  
  
Zieg: So, we're not getting married?  
  
Miranda: $)&% no.  
  
Zieg: Dammit  
  
Rose: Oh, I feel ::sniff:: so sad  
  
(Because Rose is sooooo eager to bring honor to her family --)  
  
Rose: Whatever  
  
( -- she steals her father's armor and goes to fight in the Chinese army.)  
  
Rose: SWORD!!!!!!!!! ::rides away on her horse::  
  
(But, the penalty for her impersonating a solider is death. So Rose's ancestors want to send a guardian to make sure she doesn't get caught.)  
  
Me: Oh, shit, I don't have enough characters for an ancestor! Now, lemme think, who could I use.....oh, I know  
  
::Poof::  
  
Wesley: What the hell am I doing here? ::examines his new clothes:: And why am I wearing a dress?  
  
Me: It's a robe. And you're an ancestor. Here, read this...that is, if you can....::hands him a script::  
  
Wesley: Hah. Hah ::snatches it from my hands:: Okay, I got it. Hey, Lavitz!  
  
Lavitz: ::rising above a cloud of smoke, Frankenstein-style:: I LIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!! Okay, what do you want me to do, old, wise Ancestor? Save someone?  
  
Wesley: No ::hands him a gong:: Go wake up the Great Stone Dragon.  
  
Lavitz: But -- but -- I wanna go save Rose from shame, dishonor, and certain death! ::pouts::  
  
Wesley: No. Hurry up and go wake the damn dragon so I can go back to my OTHER torture ::glares at me::  
  
Me: I love you too.  
  
Lavitz: ::takes the gong:: I'm only doing this because I'm getting paid to do so.  
  
Lloyd: Why is everyone getting paid except for me?!?!?!?!  
  
Me: ::cough:: No comment  
  
(Lavitz goes out to the courtyard to wake the Great Stone Dragon, a statue that sits ominously in the courtyard)  
  
Lavitz: ::banging on his gong:: Heeeeeeey, Great Stone Dragon! Waaaaaaaaake up! ::bang bang bang on the gong:: Hey, can't you hear me in there?! ::bangs his gong on the Great Stone Dragon::  
  
Great Stone Dragon: ::crumbles into ash::  
  
Lavitz: Oh shit, I'm in trouble  
  
Wesley: Oh, Great Stone Dragon! Have you awoken?  
  
Me: Awaken  
  
Wesley: Whatever!  
  
Lavitz: ::hiding behind a bush, holding the Great Stone's Dragon head:: Yes, Ancestor! I have awoken -- uh, awaken! I am going to save Rose from shame, dishonor, and certain death!  
  
Wesley: ::blink blink:: Do you seriously think that I'm dense enough to buy THAT?!  
  
Me: Yes.  
  
Wesley: Whatever. Can I leave now?  
  
Me: Yes. Boberto and Timoty will escort you out.  
  
Boberto and Timoty: ::escorts Wesley out::  
  
Leroy: How bout me? Can I go too?  
  
Me: No. Sit.  
  
Leroy: ::sits:: Yes Mistress  
  
(So now Lavitz is off to save Rose from shame, dishonor, and certain death. And Guaraha comes along too)  
  
Guaraha: For luck  
  
Lavitz: For pizza!!  
  
Guaraha: No pizza  
  
Lavitz: No pizza??  
  
Guaraha: No pizza. For luck  
  
Lavitz: Lucky pizza!!  
  
Rose: ::staring at her wrist, even though she is not wearing a watch:: I'm WAITING  
  
Lavitz: Oh. Right. ::hides behind a rock, so that only his shadow is visible to Rose:: ROSE!  
  
Rose: What?!  
  
Guaraha: ::plays organ music::  
  
Lavitz: ::in a outspoken Baptist-preacher style:: You have RUN AWAY and STOLEN your father's armor! IMPERSONATING a SOLIDER! Your punishment, if caught: SHAME!  
  
Guaraha: ::plays ominous organ music::  
  
Lavitz: DISHONOR!  
  
Guaraha: ::more ominous music::  
  
Lavitz: And CERTAIN DEATH! Can I get an "amen"?!  
  
Guaraha: Amen!  
  
Lavitz: But do not fear! I am here to SAVE you! PROTECT you! I am --  
  
Rose: Lavitz, I know it's you in a ridiculous lizard costume behind that rock....so just come out here and get on with the story.  
  
Lavitz: Dra-gon, not lizard! I don't do that tongue thing ::sticks out his tongue in a lizard-like fashion::  
  
Rose: Whatever.  
  
Lavitz: You're such a killjoy, ya know that?  
  
(Next scene: Rose's first day as a man)  
  
Lavitz: ::sitting on her shoulder:: Chest out! Chin up! Cross your eyes! Point your toes inward! And strut!  
  
Rose: ::noticing the weird looks she's getting:: Lavitz, I feel ridiculous!  
  
Lavitz: ::chuckling:: You LOOK ridiculous!  
  
Rose: ::smacks him, running into Dart in the process::  
  
Dart: Hey, watch where you're going!  
  
Rose: You watch it!  
  
Dart: ::glares:: Make me  
  
Rose: ::up in his face:: Oh, I will.  
  
Lavitz: ::to Guaraha:: I don't think she'll need man coaching  
  
Guaraha: ::nods::  
  
Syuveil: What's going on here? Dart, who are you picking on today?  
  
Dart: This bastard who thinks he can run into me!  
  
Kongol: ::holding Dart's shoulders:: Calm, little one.  
  
Dart: Don't touch me, furball!  
  
(Meet Rose's new friends: Dart, the angry little man; Syuveil, the brains of the operation; and Kongol, the big bald pacifist)  
  
Dart: Ya know what you need? ::punches fist threateningly:: A knuckle sandwich! [They are in the lunch line]  
  
Rose: How lame is THAT line?  
  
Dart: That's it, bring it!!  
  
(A fight commences. Meanwhile, in a nearby tent, General Zieg and the Emperor's counsel, Albert, chat with Lloyd)  
  
Zieg: Okay, so I'm off to fight and Lloyd, you get to be in charge of training the new recruits  
  
Albert: Are you sure that Lloyd is ready for that? This is a big responsibility  
  
Zieg: Yes. I have complete faith in Lloyd  
  
Lloyd: Thanks Daddy  
  
Zieg: Don't call me Daddy. I already have one son....and that disturbs me enough as is. Okay, I'm off. Have fun ::leaves::  
  
Albert: I get to watch you and record every mistake you make!  
  
Lloyd: Bitter son of a bitch.....::notices the fight:: Hey, break it up!! ::once it's broken up:: Who started this?!  
  
All: He did! ::points to Rose::  
  
Rose: Damn snitches  
  
Lloyd: What's your name?  
  
Rose: Um....  
  
Lavitz: Bob...  
  
Rose: Bob?  
  
Lloyd: Bob?  
  
Lavitz: ...the Chicken ::chuckles::  
  
Rose: No! It's not Bob...it's...uh.....  
  
Lavitz: Ping  
  
Rose: Ping?  
  
Lloyd: Is that your final answer?  
  
Rose: Umm...yeah  
  
Lloyd: Alright. Everyone! You have to clean this entire mess, thanks to your new friend Ping here.  
  
All: ::growls::  
  
(Next scene: first day of training)  
  
Dart: ::to Rose:: Ya know, I still owe you that knuckle sandwich ::cracks his knuckles::  
  
Rose: The line was lame last scene, and it's still lame now  
  
Albert: ::going around, tapping his notepad:: Order! Order!  
  
Syuveil: Yes, I'll have an omelet with a side of bacon and hash browns  
  
Kongol: Kongol want coffee -- decaf. Kongol get hyper on regular coffee  
  
Lavitz: RUM!!!!  
  
Albert: No, no, I mean, come to order!  
  
Dart: We know. We just like to mess with ya.  
  
Lloyd: Seriously. Come to order. ::takes his shirt off::  
  
Rose and all other females: Oooooooooooohhhhh  
  
Dart: Riiiiiiight, like I'm gunna follow orders from YOU  
  
Lloyd: Dart! ::aims his bow and arrow at Dart's face::  
  
Dart: Watch the face!  
  
Lloyd: ::shoots the arrow at the top of a giant wooden pillar:: Thank you for volunteering. Go get the arrow.  
  
Dart: Fine! ::rips off his own shirt::  
  
Me: Umm, you were really are NOT supposed to take off your shirt....but hey! I'm not complaining!  
  
All other females: Neither are we  
  
Males: We complain! We complain!  
  
(Dart vs. Lloyd -- who's prettier?)  
  
Lloyd: Me  
  
Dart: Me!  
  
Lloyd: ME  
  
Dart: ME!  
  
All: GET ON WITH IT!  
  
(Next scene [my favorite]: the BE A MAN SONG!!!!!!!)  
  
Lloyd: ::singing like Donny Osmond:: Let's get down to business! To defeat -- the Hunnnnnnns!  
  
All: ......  
  
Lloyd: ::still singing:: Did they send me daughters?! When I asked -- for sooooooooooooons!  
  
Rose: Oooh, irony  
  
Lloyd: ::yup, still singing:: You're the saddest bunch, I've ever met! But you can ::is hit in the stomach by Rose:: bet -- ::stops the song:: Hey! Is that REALLY supposed to happen?  
  
Me: Yes  
  
All: ::cheers::  
  
Lloyd: Okay....that's enough singing.  
  
All: ::cheers louder::  
  
Rose: ::looking very proud of herself:: You're welcome  
  
(So Rose and the rest of the recruits eventually prove themselves and Rose, Dart, Syuveil, and Kongol all get to be friends. But Albert is still a pain in the ass)  
  
Albert: ::growls::  
  
(Cut scene to Emperor Diaz and his army of Huns, who are headed for the Tung-shao Pass)  
  
Diaz: Let's go to the Tung-shao Pass  
  
Original Dragoons: Okay.  
  
Belzac: Must.....protect.....Shirley!!!!  
  
Shirley: It's okay, I'm fine.  
  
Damia: I still dunno why I'm here.....  
  
(Back to Rose and the others -- NAKED TIME!!!!!!)  
  
Rose: ::taking a bath::  
  
Lavitz: What the hell are you doing?!  
  
Rose: Just because I'm pretending to be a man doesn't mean I hafta smell like one  
  
Lavitz: You're gunna blow our cover!! There are some things that people will DEFINETLY notice!  
  
Rose: Not if you keep watch! ::lather, rinse, repeat::  
  
Lavitz: Damn girl's gunna blow our cover  
  
Guaraha: ::opening a box of delivery pizza:: Pizza?  
  
Lavitz: Ooh! Pizza! ::takes a slice::  
  
(Suddenly, a naked Dart, Syuveil, and Kongol run past Lavitz and Guaraha and jump into the lake)  
  
Lavitz and Guaraha: ::throwing the pizza away:: I'm not hungry  
  
Rose: Oh shit ::tries to swim away::  
  
Syuveil: Ping! Hey! ::swims over to Rose, with a strategically-placed leaf:: I think we all got off on the wrong foot ::extends his hand:: I'm Syuveil  
  
Rose: ::tries to back away:: Yeah, hi...::bumps into Kongol's large, hairy chest::  
  
Kongol: Me Kongol.  
  
Rose: Ewwwww I just touched him.....  
  
Dart: ::standing on top of a rock, hands on hips:: And I am Dart, King of the Rock!!  
  
Syuveil: Get your naked ass back in the water, no one wants to see that  
  
All: ::eye level drops::  
  
Dart: ::covers himself:: The water's cold, okay!  
  
(And then, they just stood there, in the water. Well, Dart just stood on the rock)  
  
Syuveil: For God's sake Dart, get down! You look like an idiot up there  
  
Dart: A NAKED idiot, thank you.  
  
Kongol: ::splashes water into his ears::  
  
(Aren't you guys supposed to do something?!)  
  
Rose: We're waiting for Lavitz! Lavitz, get your lizard ass out here!  
  
Lavitz: NO WAY IN HELL! Do you know what the script wants me to do?! ::whispers:: They want me to.....bite Syuveil's ass!  
  
Syuveil: Um, I'm in agreement with Lavitz -- no way in hell  
  
Me: Dumbasses, this isn't real! You can just PRETEND to bite his ass! It's a ploy in order to keep Syuveil, Dart, and Kongol from figuring out Rose's true identity. All you need to do --Syuveil and Kongol -- is jump up on the rock with Dart. And Lavitz, you just need to load your mouth with toothpaste and cry "that was foul!"  
  
Lavitz: Tooth.....paste?  
  
Dart: ::clutches the rock:: NO! My rock!  
  
Me: How old ARE you?!  
  
Syvueil: ::points to Dart, still holding onto the rock:: That bastard could kill Melbu Frahma, but I couldn't?! Screw that, I'm not getting near his naked ass....I'm getting dressed. Let's go Kongol  
  
Kongol: But, Kongol not done  
  
All: PLEASE!! BUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!  
  
(Fine, be that way -- we'll skip to the battle with the Huns at the Tung- shao Pass)  
  
Dart: What, no song about leering at girls? I like that song....  
  
(No. Battle with the Huns)  
  
Emperor Diaz: DIE WINGLY BASTARDS!!!!  
  
Lloyd: Who you calling a bastard?!  
  
Belzac: PROTECT SHIRLEY!!!!!  
  
Shirley: STOP THAT!!  
  
Rose: ::runs up to Diaz with a cannon and shoots it at the mountain::  
  
Diaz: ::stabs Rose::  
  
Lavitz: What the hell?! He was three feet in front of you!!  
  
Rose: Stupid, I did that on purpose  
  
Shana: Hmph. I woulda hit him  
  
(Avalanche. Huns buried in the snow. Rose is a hero)  
  
[You notice I speak in fragmented sentences whenever the story starts to get too long]  
  
Rose: See, I told ya I did that on purpose  
  
Lavitz: Yeah, whatever  
  
(But because of Rose's injuries, everyone now knows that she is a woman)  
  
Albert: He's got boobs!!  
  
Syuveil: I thought you were the smart one  
  
(And now she's left out in the cold)  
  
Rose: ::roasting marshmallows with Lavitz and Guaraha:: Damn. I didn't even get to use my sword  
  
Huns: ::climbs out of the snow::  
  
Lavitz: They popped out of the snow -- like daisies!!  
  
Guaraha: We gotta warn the Emperor!  
  
Rose: Stupid bastards can die for all I care --  
  
Me: ::death glare::  
  
Rose: I mean.....ya, let's go.  
  
(At the emperor's palace)  
  
Doel: ::to Lloyd:: Yes, as the emperor I am pleased. Here is my crest as a token of my appreciation. Albert, ::snap snap:: fetch me some more rice  
  
Albert: ::profanities::  
  
Dart: ::aside to Syuveil:: Hey, ya know, that paper dragon has been following awfully close....  
  
Syuveil: ::aside to Dart:: Yeah, I know what you mean  
  
Diaz and Huns: ::pop out of the paper dragon:: YAAAAAH!!  
  
Dart: They popped out of the dragon -- like daisies!!  
  
Me: I really don't think it has the same effect  
  
Diaz: You're coming with me, Doel  
  
Doel: Like hell I am!!  
  
Diaz: ::captures him anyway::  
  
Doel: Damn  
  
Rose: I TOLD you the Huns were still alive!  
  
Lloyd: No you didn't!  
  
Rose: Yes I did!  
  
Lloyd: No! You totally missed your cue during the parade!  
  
Rose: Oh.....well, you bastards wouldn't have believed me anyway. Come -- Dart, Syuveil, Kongol, I have a plan to rescue Doel  
  
Syuveil: It's a good thing you're hot or else you would be the biggest bitch ever  
  
Rose: I'll take that as a compliment  
  
(Speaking of bitches...)  
  
Dart: ::examining his new clothes:: Let me guess -- these are robes, right?  
  
Me: Nope. It's a dress.  
  
Dart, Syuveil, Kongol: YOU BITCH, YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!!  
  
Lloyd: ::coming to join the rescue party:: Shut your mouths and go work your feminine magic on the guards  
  
Dart: Why doesn't the Wingly have to dress like a woman?!  
  
Me: Male romantic leads never EVER dress as women  
  
Rose: Would you just GO already?!  
  
Dart: I have one more question!! Does this make me look fat?  
  
Syuveil: ::slaps Dart:: Be a man, Dart

::The "Be a Man" song plays::

Me: NOT YET!!

Guaraha: Oops  
  
(The fun part: Dart, Syuveil, and Kongol seduce Belzac and Kanzas [who are guarding Doel])

Me: Now you can play the song

Guaraha: ::plays the "be a man" song::  
  
Dart, Syuveil, Kongol: ::wave their fans, trying to be coy::  
  
Belzac: Concubines!  
  
Kanzas: Ugly concubines...  
  
Syuveil: Who you calling ugly?! ::punches Kanzas in the jaw::  
  
Kanzas: You bitch! ::lunges at Syuveil::  
  
(While the queens battle it out, Lloyd sneaks in and grabs Doel, while Rose and Diaz fight on the roof)  
  
Rose: Can I use my sword now?  
  
(Yes)  
  
Rose: YEEEEESS!!  
  
Diaz: Now, Rose, we can talk this out...  
  
Rose: No! ::stabs Diaz::  
  
Diaz: ::standing with Rose's sword through his stomach [hmm, sound familiar?]:: Crap. Oh well -- hey, this means I can go home, right?  
  
Me: Yes. Boberto and Timoty will escort you and the old Dragoons out  
  
Dragoons: ORIGINAL  
  
Me: Whatever  
  
Boberto and Timoty: ::escorts Diaz and the Dragoons out::  
  
Rose: That felt good  
  
(Rose is a hero once again. And the peasants rejoice)  
  
Peasants: Yay.  
  
Doel: Yes, as the emperor I am pleased  
  
Albert: You already said that  
  
Doel: Silence!! You're fired!!  
  
Albert: Bastard  
  
Rose: Can I just go now?  
  
(No, you have one more thing to do)  
  
Rose: Haschel -- I mean, Daddy?  
  
Haschel: What? Oh, yeah, you're home.....  
  
Rose: ::kneels:: I bring you the sword of Diaz and the crest of Doel to show that I have brought honor to our family  
  
Haschel: Good stuff. ::pats her head:: We love you again  
  
Meru: ::to Shana:: Hmph, if she was gunna go off to war she could have at least brought home a man!  
  
Lloyd: Excuse me, Rose? You forgot your sword. Diaz still had it in his gut  
  
Rose: Oh, thanks  
  
Meru: ::gasp:: She DID bring home a man!! YAY!! ::glomps Lloyd::  
  
Lloyd: Um.....hello....  
  
Zieg: NO! SHE'S MINE YOU BASTARD! ::tackles Lloyd::  
  
THE END  
  
Rose: My god, that was the longest chapter ever!  
  
Me: No, "Peter Pan" was longer. Um, Lauren, it's the end of the fic. You hafta give Shang back.  
  
Lauren: NO! NEVER! HE'S MINE! ::glomps Shang::  
  
Shang: ??  
  
Leroy: Hey, what about my payment?!  
  
Me: Oh, yeah, here ::hands him a slip of paper::  
  
Leroy: What's this.....an annual pass to Disneyland...from 1996?! WTF?!  
  
Me: Hey, I don't get paid for writing this shit  
  
Leroy: ::profanities::


	9. You All Need Singing Lessons

A/N: Ya know, I've been playing Kingdom Hearts a lot lately (it's an addicting game) and I was thinking "maybe I could do a parody of this game" but then I realized -- I don't need to! Once I write the Tarzan, Hercules, and Nightmare Before Christmas parodies, I'll already have my very own Kingdom Hearts parody! Funny how things work out like that. By the way, Aladdin is my FAVORITE MOVIE EVER!!  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own LoD. Or Disney. Disney owns me. Seriously.  
  
Part Eight: Aladdin  
  
Cast: Aladdin = Dart; Jasmine = Shana; Carpet = Guaraha  
  
Me: Okay, so I'm going back to the one scene chapter.  
  
All: ::cheers, very loudly::  
  
Me: Aww, this is a great movie! I would think you guys would WANT to act it out!  
  
All: Not with you directing!!  
  
Me: &%!$ you all too. ACTION!!  
  
(A romantic, magic carpet ride)  
  
Dart and Shana: ::stare lovingly into each other's eyes::  
  
(With Guaraha as the mode of transportation)  
  
Guaraha: This is.....awkward.....  
  
Me: Yeah, it's funny how you went from the props director to a prop  
  
Guaraha: No, I meant with them ::points to Dart and Shana::  
  
Dart and Shana: ::still staring lovingly into each other's eyes::  
  
All: ::gags::  
  
(Okay Doel [the other stage director], start the music)  
  
Dart: ::singing:: I can show you the world -- shining, shimmering, splendid. Tell me, Princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?  
  
Me: Hey, he's not bad. Unlike some ::looks over at Miranda and Lloyd::  
  
Miranda: ::gives me the finger::  
  
Lloyd: It's your own fault for giving me Donny Osmond's voice!  
  
Dart: ::continues singing:: A whole new world! A new fantastic point of view! No one to tell us no, or where to go, or say we're only dreaming!  
  
Me: Shana's turn....  
  
All: ::braces for impact::  
  
Shana: ::singing in a shrill voice, but still not as bad as Miranda:: A whole new world! A dazzling place I never knew! But when I'm way up here, it's crystal -- ::is knocked off the carpet as she collides with a tree branch:: ACK!  
  
Dart: ::while the carpet is still in motion:: Shana? Shana?  
  
Guaraha: mwhahahahaha.....  
  
All: ::golf clap::  
  
Me: God, why can't I find decent singers for this stupid fic?! I'll be in my trailer -- c'mon Aladdin!  
  
Aladdin: ::shrugs, follows::  
  
Jasmine: Hey!  
  
Lauren: NO FAIR! You wouldn't let me keep Shang!!  
  
Me: I am the director and Almighty Author. I get to keep Aladdin  
  
Jasmine and Lauren: ::pouts::  
  
THE END 


	10. I'm Too Sexy for Fanfiction

A/N: One more short one, and then I'll do Tarzan (by request) and Hercules and I'll do Nightmare Before Christmas once I rent the movie and watch it. Random fact that you really don't need to know: if you go to California Adventures and go to the Beast's library, you can figure out which Disney character you're most like. I got the Evil Queen. Hell freaking yeah.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LoD or Disney  
  
Me: ACTION!!  
  
Part Nine: Snow White  
  
Cast: Snow White = Shana; Evil Queen = Rose; Prince Charming = Lloyd; Seven Dwarves = Dart, Albert, Lavitz, Meru, Kongol, Haschel, Miranda; Magic Mirror = Zieg  
  
(Once upon a time there lived a beautiful but evil queen who was very vain)  
  
Rose: At least I have good reason too, I mean, look at me.  
  
Male Readers: She's got a point  
  
Rose: Mirror, mirror, on the wall -- who's the fairest one of all?  
  
Zieg: Well, sweetie, you know that I think that you're the fairest of all, but I'm sorry, the truth is that Shana is the fairest one of all  
  
Rose: WHAT?!  
  
Zieg: ::cowers:: I think you're sexy! Please don't hurt me.....  
  
Lloyd: Is that my cue?  
  
Me: No  
  
(Rose orders Shana to be killed, but Shana survives and makes friends with the woodland creatures)  
  
Shana: Aww, how cute!  
  
Woodland Creatures: ::follow her everywhere::  
  
Shana: This could get really old really fast.....  
  
Lloyd: Is THAT my cue?  
  
Me: No. Go away.  
  
(Shana comes across the home of the Seven Dragoon Dwarves)  
  
Dragoons: Dwarves?  
  
Me: Yes ::shrinks the Dragoons::  
  
Dragoon Dwarves: Dammit  
  
(Yes, meet the Seven Dwarves! There's Stupid -- )  
  
Dart: It's the TRANSLATION!!  
  
(Sexy -- )  
  
Albert: Hells yes  
  
(Beefy -- )  
  
Lavitz: I'm big boned!!  
  
Me: I coulda called you worse  
  
Lavitz: That's true  
  
(Crazy -- )  
  
Meru: WHEE!! LOOK AT ME, I'M TINY!!  
  
(Hairy -- )  
  
Kongol: ::grunt::  
  
(Geezer -- )  
  
Haschel: You are one mean, mean, young woman.  
  
(And Bitchy. The mute.)  
  
Miranda: ::flips me off::  
  
Me: And this time, you're NOT getting your voice back!! I have locked it away in Kingdom Hearts!!  
  
Riku and Sora [my jailbait]: Please don't bring us into this  
  
Shana: Hey, I thought I was supposed to live with seven little men  
  
Me: Well, you're only getting five  
  
Shana: Phooey  
  
Meru: You whore  
  
Miranda: ::nods::  
  
(Party at the Dwarves' house!!)  
  
Meru: ::the only one dancing:: Oh yeah! Get down! WOOT! ::does the sprinkler and other strange moves::  
  
All: ::blink blink::  
  
Miranda: ::displays various obscene gestures::  
  
Lavitz: No wonder she's called Crazy  
  
Lloyd: Is THAT my cue?  
  
Me: NO!  
  
(Whatever. This is starting to bore me. Let's bring in the Evil Queen again)  
  
Rose: It feels good to be the fairest of them all once again. So, Zieg, what other naughty things can you tell me?  
  
Zieg: Um, Shana's alive.  
  
Rose: WHAT?!  
  
Zieg: ::cowers:: I'M SORRY! Please don't hurt me, my love....  
  
Rose: I guess I'll just hafta kill her myself...::prepares a poison apple:: This will kill her for sure ::turns to leave::  
  
Zieg: But, won't Shana recognize you? Aren't you supposed to wear an ugly disguise?  
  
Rose: Hell no! If I turn myself ugly, I STILL won't be the fairest one of all! Plus, it's more fun to be evil AND sexy  
  
Lloyd: Now you know how I feel  
  
Rose: ::death glare::  
  
Lloyd: Lemme guess, that WASN'T my cue?  
  
Me: You're good at this game  
  
(Rose carries out her diabolical plan.....)  
  
Rose: Here girly, eat this apple  
  
Shana: ::shrugs:: Why not? ::takes a bite, falls down dead::  
  
Rose: Hmm, that was easy enough  
  
Woodland Creatures: Oh no! ::runs to tell the dwarves::  
  
Dart: What is it?! Timmy's trapped in the well again?!  
  
Lavitz: ::smacks him upside the head:: That's not the translation, Stupid!!  
  
Dart: OW! It was a JOKE!  
  
Haschel: We're wasting time. DEATH TO THE QUEEN!!  
  
Rose: Oh no, I'm sooo scared. I'm being attacked by little people.  
  
Dwarves: ::push her off a cliff::  
  
Rose: Crap. I'M STILL SEXY! ::falls to her death::  
  
Meru: YAY! WE WON!  
  
Albert: As usual  
  
(Guys, aren't you forgetting something? Shana's still dead)  
  
Dart: NOOOOOOOO!!  
  
All: ::rolls eyes::  
  
(Rose miscalculated in concocking her poison. If Shana can be revived by true love's first kiss)  
  
Dart: That must be me ::kisses Shana::  
  
Shana: ::still dead::  
  
Me: Not in this story  
  
Dart: EWWWW!! I KISSED A DEAD GIRL!! ::goes to brush his teeth::  
  
All: ::stands around, waiting for the next line::  
  
Me: ::ahem::  
  
Lloyd: OH! My cue!!  
  
(Enter Lloyd, the Disney Prince with only two minutes of glory!!)  
  
Lloyd: Damn ::kisses Shana::  
  
Dart: ::cries::  
  
Shana: ::wakes up, sees Lloyd standing above her:: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! ::slaps Lloyd::  
  
Lloyd: OW!! DAMMIT WOMAN!!  
  
Lenus: I'll help you, my love!!  
  
Lloyd: Holy shit!! ::runs::  
  
Woodland Creatures: ::circle around Shana, overjoyed to see her alive::  
  
Shana: Dammit, go away!!  
  
Woodland Creatures: ::attack Shana::  
  
Shana: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!  
  
All: ::blink blink::  
  
THE END  
  
Lloyd: ::after escaping Lenus, hanging out at Disneyland with Dart, Albert, and Lavitz:: Damn that chapter SUCKED!! I had the smallest part EVER!!  
  
Dart: ::back to his original size:: I'M NOT STUPID!! IT'S THE TRANSLATION!!  
  
Lavitz: I'M BIG BONED!!  
  
Albert: I liked my dwarf name  
  
Dart: Shut it. C'mon I'm hungry  
  
Lavitz: Oooh! ::points to the covered wagon next to Big Thunder Mountain:: McDonald's fries!!  
  
Lloyd: Yeah, that cost twice as much as regular fries!!  
  
Me: ::pops my head out of the wagon:: Hi, how are you? What can I get you......oh shit  
  
Guys: ::fall on the floor laughing::  
  
Me: I told you!! I don't get paid to write these fics!! I need to get car insurance money somehow!!  
  
Guys: ::still laughing::  
  
Me: Grrrr.....that'll be $3..... 


	11. Hero to Zero

A/N: Okay, so I lie. I'm gunna do Hercules before Tarzan. But I've been watching Hercules a lot, so this will be another long one. And I'm warning you -- Dart, Albert, and Guaraha go drunk with power in this chapter. Oh the horror.  
  
Disclaimer: Not the owner of LoD or Disney  
  
Me: ACTION!!  
  
Part Ten: Hercules  
  
Cast: Hercules = Albert; Megara = Shana; Phil = Haschel; Hades = Dart; Pain = Doel; Panic = Lavitz; Zeus = Guaraha; Pegasus = Zieg; Hermes = Lloyd; The Three Fates = Rose, Shirley, Miranda; Titans = Kongol, Belzac, Kanzas; Muses = Meru, Damia, Wink. Special Appperance by Emille  
  
(Our story begins high on Mount Olympus, where all the ancient gods -- )  
  
Meru: ::standing with her hands on her hips, wearing a toga, and surrounded by Damia and Wink:: ExCUSE me!  
  
(Yes, ladies?)  
  
Damia: We are the Muses, goddesses of the arts, and proclaimers of heroes!  
  
Wink: And AS the goddesses of the arts and proclaimers of heroes, it is OUR job to tell the story of the hero Albert ::swoon::  
  
Albert: ::smile, teeth go "ping"::  
  
(So, does this mean that I'm not needed?)  
  
Muses: ::nods::  
  
(Sweet! I can FINALLY have my break! ::leaves::)  
  
Meru: Yay! We have complete control of the story!!  
  
Damia: So, where do we start?  
  
Wink: At the beginning, of course! ::grabs an urn, painted with Kongol, Belzac, and Kanzas wreaking havoc upon the earth:: A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away....  
  
Meru: Wink! Focus!  
  
Wink: Sorry. Um....oh yeah, a long time ago, the Titans wreaked havoc upon the earth  
  
Kanzas: Damn right bitches  
  
Kongol and Belzac: Argh  
  
Wink: ::grabs another urn with Guaraha holding a lightining bolt:: But then, Guaraha struck them down and locked them in a prison beneath the earth!  
  
Titans: Bastard!  
  
Wink: And Guaraha became ruler of the skies!  
  
Guaraha: ::smile, teeth go "ping"::  
  
Meru: Hehe  
  
Damia: My turn!! ::grabs another urn, with baby Albert:: Many eons later, Guaraha and his wife had a son who would be the greatest hero ever! But one god did not welcome the birth....::holds up an urn of a pissed-off Dart::  
  
Meru: Narrator!! ::snap snap:: We need your services again!!  
  
(Damn. Oh well, a party on Mount Olympus with baby Albert and his new pet, baby Zieg)  
  
Albert: Waah.  
  
Zieg: ::obscenities::  
  
(Cool it Zieg, the FCC is already on my case)  
  
Zieg: That's your own damn fault  
  
(Enter Dart with fire for hair)  
  
Lloyd: Why does he get to be the god of the underworld, and I hafta be the flamboyant messanger?!  
  
Dart: Because I am sexier than you.  
  
Lloyd: No you're not!!  
  
Dart: ::ignore, goes over to Albert's cradle:: Well, look at the little sun spot. Isn't he just the cutest ::hands him a spiked rattle::  
  
Albert: Nice try ::crushes Dart's hand::  
  
Dart: ::nursing his hand:: Little bitch.....  
  
Meru: Of course, Dart wanted to rule the skies instead of Guaraha....so Dart returns to the underworld to carry out his sinister plot with the Fates.....  
  
Dart: Doel! Lavitz! Where are those two when I need them?!  
  
Doel: ::falls down the stairs:: OW!! ::profanities::  
  
Lavitz: Oh god, Dart's mad....he's gunna do something awful....  
  
Doel: Stop whining like a little bitch....dammit, why do we hafta be the croonies for that dumbass?!  
  
Dart: Because I am sexier than you ::hits Doel upside the head:: Are the Fates here yet?  
  
Rose: ::staring him down with one eyeball:: Yeah we're here.  
  
Miranda: ::steals the eyeball, sticks it in her eye socket:: Stupid bastard is late.  
  
Doel and Lavitz: Ewwwwwwwwww  
  
Dart: Ladies, I am sooooo sorry {and soooooo grossed out!!}  
  
Shirley: ::takes the eyeball:: Don't apologize, we knew it was coming.  
  
Rose: ::steals back the eyeball:: We know everything: past  
  
Shirley: ::takes back the eyeball:: Present  
  
Dart: I know --  
  
Miranda: ::takes the eyeball:: And future....if only we could stop it sometimes, like the invention of the f-cking Playstation and f-cking fan fiction author ::glares at me with the one eyeball::  
  
Me: You forget that I have the power to make your fan fiction life hell  
  
Miranda: And YOU forget that you locked my voice in Kingdom Hearts! I'm already in f-cking hell!  
  
Me: Oh yeah ::steals her voice, hands it to Sora:: Be a dear and do something with this  
  
Sora: ....  
  
Miranda: ::opens her mouth, nothing comes out, then pouts::  
  
Rose and Shirley: Dumb bitch  
  
Dart: Ladies, please, I have this problem about Albert, the son of Guaraha --  
  
Fates: We know  
  
Dart: I KNOW that you know! Just....tell me how to correct it.  
  
(Just know that whenever the Fates talk, they pass their eyeball back and forth)  
  
Shirley: In eighteen years, the planets will a line and allow you to release the Titans  
  
Rose: You will rule the Titans, and they will storm Olympus and destroy Guaraha for you  
  
Kongol, Belzac, Kanzas: Says who?!  
  
Rose: Shut up. You have no choice  
  
Titans: Damn  
  
Shirley: You, Dart, will then rule the skies  
  
Miranda: ::jabs her in the shoulder::  
  
Shirley: Oh, Miranda says "you will rule, despite the fact that you are an effing bastard"  
  
Dart: Hey!  
  
Shirley: However, if Albert interferes, your plan will fail.  
  
Dart: How do I stop him?  
  
Rose: Dumbass, figure it out yourself ::they leave::  
  
Shirley: ::to Doel:: By the way, beware next Tuesday ::leaves::  
  
Doel: Like I'd listen to that bitch....  
  
Damia: Dart immediately got to work in destroying Albert  
  
Dart: Doel, Lavitz, go kill Albert  
  
Doel and Lavitz: WHY?! HOW?!  
  
Dart: Because I am sexier than you...and you make the baby drink this potion. And ALL of it.  
  
Wink: Doel and Lavitz successfully stole Albert from Olympus and made him drink the potion to make him human....  
  
Albert: You think I'm that dense? I'm not drinking that  
  
Doel: Take it like a man ::forces the bottle into his mouth::  
  
Wink: However, he left one drop.....but he was still human, and could never return to Olympus  
  
Guaraha: I am so sad ::tear::  
  
Meru: What could Guaraha do?! Poor Albert, never to return!  
  
(Ladies -- sorry, but you are making the story too long.)  
  
Muses: ::pout::  
  
(Cut to Albert as an awkward teenager with super-strength)  
  
All: Loser-freak  
  
(He goes to the Temple of Guaraha to seek help, and finds out that Guaraha is his father -- )  
  
Guaraha: ::Darth Vader voice:: ALBERT I AM YOUR FATHER  
  
Albert: I know....  
  
Guaraha: I couldn't resist  
  
(Guaraha sends Albert to Haschel, trainer of heroes, so that Albert could return to Olympus. And a grown-up Zieg returns to be Albert's bitch -- I mean, pet)  
  
Zieg: ::more profanities::  
  
Meru: Hey, you're making this story just as long!!  
  
(Shut up, I am the Almighty Narrator)  
  
Haschel: ::sitting in a bush, watching nymphs taking a bath:: Oh yeah.....  
  
Albert and Zieg: You sick old bastard!!  
  
Haschel: ::blushes:: So what do you want?  
  
Albert: I need you to make me a hero  
  
Haschel: What, beating Melbu Frahma wasn't enough for ya?  
  
Albert: Um, no.  
  
Haschel: Two words: I AM RETIRED  
  
Albert: That's three words  
  
Haschel: I KNOW that's three words! I'm the comic relief, it's what I do  
  
Albert: Riiiiiiiight  
  
Haschel: Anyway, I can't train ya because I already tried training heroes and that failed ::bottom lip quivers:: GENRICH!! CLAIRE!! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  
  
Zieg: If you have another flashback to Rogue, I swear to Soa....  
  
Albert: But, Guaraha's my father! And look what I can do! ::picks up a giant disc and throws it really far::  
  
Haschel: OH! Does this mean that I finally get a song and dance number?!  
  
Me: You actually WANTED a song and dance number?  
  
Haschel: ::nods::  
  
Me: Um...go for it  
  
Haschel: ::singing:: So ya wanna be a hero kid, well whoop-de-do!  
  
Albert and Zieg: ....  
  
Haschel: I've been around the block before with blockheads just like you! Each and everyone a disappointment, pain ::ow:: for which there ain't no ointment!  
  
Albert: That's isn't proper --  
  
All: SHUT UP!  
  
Haschel: So much for excuses, no kid of Guaraha's -- ::stops singing:: wait, that doesn't rhyme  
  
Me: Then skip that part  
  
Haschel: ::shrugs, continues singing:: Asking me to jump into the fray! My answer is two words!  
  
Guaraha: ::strikes him down with lightning:: Mwhahaha, I love smiting!  
  
Haschel: O-kay  
  
(So Albert is trained and he eventually grows up and bulks up)  
  
Zieg: Cute skirt ::smirk::  
  
Albert: You're just jealous because you don't have the legs to pull off an outfit like this  
  
Me: OMG that's my skirt! Doel [my costume director] where did you get that?  
  
Doel: Hey, we have a very tight budget. Your sister gave it to me  
  
Lauren: You look like a slut wearing it anyway.  
  
Albert: So wait, what does that say about me?  
  
Lloyd: HAHA! ALBERT'S A SLUT!  
  
(Can we continue now?)  
  
Me: Yeah  
  
(First stop as a hero, to save Shana)  
  
Shana: I always seem to end up in these situations  
  
River Guardian: Pucker up, sweetheart  
  
Shana: Ewwww  
  
Albert: ::hands on hips, very super-hero like:: Stop right there and unhand that young woman!  
  
Shana: Oh, hi Albert. I was kinda expecting Dart, but I guess you'll do  
  
Albert: Oh, thanks  
  
River Guardian: Step aside two legs!  
  
Albert: No ::takes out his spear:: Gust of Wind Dance!! ::kicks the River Guardian's ass::  
  
River Guardian: I thought I was supposed to hit him first!!  
  
Albert: I am the King of Serdio -- no one touches me.  
  
Me: Oh god, I think this part has gone to his head....  
  
Shana: Well, Albert, thanks for saving me. I'll be going now.  
  
Albert: O...kay  
  
(She walks into a dark forest and finds ::gasp:: a rabbit and a gopher!)  
  
Shana: Damn, I thought I got rid of you rodents in the "Snow White" chapter!  
  
Rabbit: Who you calling a rodent, sister?! I'M a BUNNY! ::points to his fluffy tail::  
  
Gopher: And I'm his gopher!  
  
[Yeah for direct quotes]  
  
Rabbit and Gopher: ::transforms into Doel and Lavitz, respectively:: Ta-da!  
  
Shana: What do you mean "transform"? They just unzipped their costumes  
  
Lavitz: It's Disney movie magic, stop spoiling it!  
  
Dart: I get to be the god of the underworld, but I'm stuck with these two ::points to Doel and Lavitz::  
  
Me: Deal with it  
  
Shana: ::swoon:: Dart!  
  
Dart: Shana, why don't I have a River Guardian on my team for world domination?  
  
Shana: Because Albert kicked his ass. When are we gunna get some alone time?  
  
Dart: ::hair starts to flare up:: What -- was that name, again?!  
  
Shana: Albert.....  
  
Lavitz: Albert? Why does that name ring a bell?  
  
Doel: I dunno, maybe we owe him money?  
  
[More direct quotes. Yeah.]  
  
Dart: ::explodes in fury, chokes Doel and Lavitz::  
  
(Well, now we have established that Shana, the woman that Albert is smitten with is working for Dart, the god who wants him dead. Albert is oblivious to all of this.)  
  
Albert: Then why wasn't Dart casted as Hercules?  
  
Dart: Witty as ever.  
  
Meru: Dart begins to sick every monster available to try and kill Albert --  
  
Albert: When did you come back as the narrator?  
  
Damia: The "Almighty Narrator" is on her "almighty lunch break"  
  
(::sits quietly eating a crossant sandwich from Daily Perks::) [remember "Peter Pan"?]  
  
Meru: ANYWAY, Albert defeats them all -- the Hydra, the Harpies, the --  
  
Albert: Wait, aren't I supposed to have an epic battle with the Hydra?  
  
Me: And risk ruining my skirt?! Never! That cost me $30 and I paid for that with my OWN MONEY.  
  
Lloyd: I thought you didn't get paid for this! How can you afford a new skirt?!  
  
Me: I don't get paid for this, but I do have another job! (You visited me last chapter, remember...)  
  
Lloyd: And you STILL don't pay me?!  
  
Me: NO!  
  
Meru: HELLO!!  
  
Haschel: ::snore:: This part is soooooo boring...  
  
(My lunch is over. Back to the story. Let's skip ahead to....Dart ordering Shana to go on a date with Albert to discover his weakness)  
  
Shana: I don't want to do it!  
  
Dart: Oh, that's right, men is what got you into this mess in the first place. ::conjures up shadow figures:: You sold your soul to me to save your boyfriend's life, and how does this creep thank you? By running off with some babe....::shadow Shana cries::  
  
[I'm already at three direct quotes. Can I try for four?!]  
  
Shana: But you're my boyfriend, Dart  
  
Dart: I meant in the movie  
  
Shana: I don't have a boyfriend in the movie  
  
Dart: Because he left you  
  
Shana: But YOU'RE my boyfriend  
  
Dart: Yeah, but...  
  
Me: SHANA, SHUT UP! GO ON A DATE WITH ALBERT!  
  
Shana: FINE! ::pouts::  
  
(Albert and Shana's date....yeah, you don't see it in the film, either)  
  
Shana: You don't expect me to sing again, do you?  
  
Me: Of course not  
  
All: Good  
  
Me: ::wearing another Megara costume:: I'll be filling in. ::starts singing:: If there's a prize for rotten judgement, I guess I already won that. No man is worth the aggrivation -- that's ancient history, been there done that  
  
Meru, Damia, Wink: ::my backup singers:: Who ya think you're kidding? He's the earth and heaven to you! [la la la]  
  
Me and the Muses: ::concludes our song::  
  
All: ::golf clap::  
  
Albert: That's not bad. You practice?  
  
Me: A little. I consider this my theme song, especially with, ya know.....  
  
Wesley, Mateo, Jimbo: ::whistles innocently::  
  
(If you haven't noticed, this is the chapter where we go off topic a lot -- that's why I'm skipping to the end! Dart! Release the Titans!!)  
  
Dart: I need to take Albert's strength away first  
  
(Oh yeah. Go for it)  
  
Albert: I feel dizzy....this isn't supposed to happen! I am the King of Serdio!  
  
Dart: Then maybe you should sit down! ::throws a dumbell at Albert::  
  
[Yes! Four direct quotes!]  
  
Albert: But I thought you liked me  
  
Dart: If only you were Lloyd.  
  
Kongol, Belzac, Kanzas: Can we come out now?  
  
Dart: Yes! I release you!  
  
Kongol, Belzac, Kanzas: Destroy ::stomp:: Guaraha! ::stomp::  
  
Dart: Guys! Olympus would be that way ::points in the opposite direction::  
  
[Zing! Another movie quote!]  
  
Titans: ::turn around:: We knew that ::resumes their stomping and chanting:: Destroy Guaraha!  
  
Dart: And they call me stupid....  
  
(The Titans ambush Mount Olympus!)  
  
Lavitz: And I get my revenge!! ::steals Lloyd's rose-colored sunglasses and winged shoes:: mwhahahahaha!  
  
Lloyd: No! I'm bliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind!!  
  
Lavitz: ::cackles evily::  
  
Guaraha: You'll pay for this, Dart!  
  
Dart: ::conjures up a dark throne:: I'll be taking orders from now on, Bolt Boy  
  
[I just can't stop with the direct quotes! It's addicting!]  
  
Albert: Not so fast!  
  
(In comes the gallant hero, riding atop his noble steed!)  
  
Albert Glompers: ::swoon, sigh, cry, and other fan girl type motions::  
  
Me: ::locks them back in their cage:: Effing glompers....  
  
Zieg: Oh, NOW I'm a noble steed  
  
(And he saves the day)  
  
Albert: Why won't you let me fight anyone?!  
  
Me: YOU wanna pay for my skirt once you rip it?!  
  
Albert: No  
  
Me: Then stop complaining and follow the Almighty Narrator!!  
  
(That's right, beyotch.)  
  
Kanzas: Can I please get out of this ice costume and away from these freaks?!  
  
Belzac: ::to Kongol:: So, you think the loincloth look would work for me?  
  
Kongol: Yes, me thinks it would work  
  
Kanzas: Oh god.....  
  
(Yes, I believe you can.)  
  
Kanzas: ::walks off, muttering profanities::  
  
(Now Albert, go save a dying Shana!)  
  
Albert: Since when was she dying?!  
  
(Since I said so!)  
  
Haschel: I don't understand why I get these dinky parts. I haven't had a decent role since "Peter Pan."  
  
Rose: ::cuts her thread of life::  
  
Shana: ::dies::  
  
Haschel: WTF?! SHE DIED!! SOMEONE GET AN AMBULANCE!!  
  
(Relax. It's part of the script.)  
  
Haschel: Oh.  
  
(Back in the underworld....)  
  
Dart: ::flares up in fury, chokes Doel just for the hell of it::  
  
Doel: Lavitz, what's today?  
  
Lavitz: Tuesday  
  
Doel: Damn  
  
Albert: ::riding on the back of Cerebrus:: Dart! Let Shana go!  
  
Dart: Why do you care? She's my girlfriend  
  
Shana: ::in the River of Death:: Told you!!  
  
Albert: I care because it's part of the script. Now let her go.  
  
Dart: How about you go get her yourself.  
  
Albert: Fair enough ::dives into the River of Death::  
  
(But before he does, costuming quickly changes him into pants so that my skirt will not get wet)  
  
Albert: You're very possesive, aren't you?  
  
Me: Especially if I paid for it with my own money  
  
(Back to the story)  
  
Dart: Oh wait, I forgot, you'll be dead before you can get her. That's not a problem, is it?  
  
Albert: ::swimming, growing older as he gets closer to Shana::  
  
Rose: Sweet, first I get to kill the Moon Child, and now I get to kill that pompous King of Serdio  
  
Miranda: ::waves her arms around, jabs Shirley in the shoulder::  
  
Shirley: Miranda says she wants to do it, and other such curse words  
  
Rose: How is it that you can understand her?  
  
Shirley: It's a hidden talent.  
  
Rose: Well, Miranda, the answer is no. And other such curse words  
  
Miranda: ::flips her off::  
  
(Rose brings the scissors to Albert's thread of life, but it won't cut.)  
  
Rose: What the hell?!  
  
Miranda: ::another mirad of obscene gestures::  
  
Shirley: I'm not repeating that  
  
Dart: ::sees Albert emerging from the River of Death:: But, how? You can't be alive, you'd hafta be --  
  
Doel and Lavitz: A god?  
  
Dart: Wait, Albert, let's make a deal! Put in a good word with Guaraha! C'mon, Shana, tell him!  
  
Albert: ::punches Dart in the face:: That felt good  
  
Dart: But I thought you liked me  
  
Albert: If only you were Lloyd  
  
Lloyd: Ya, I'll beat both your asses  
  
(Shana's alive, Albert's a god, they live happily ever after)  
  
Meru: FINALE!!  
  
Muses: ::sing and dance::  
  
Shana: Wait, Albert, aren't you supposed to stay on earth with me?  
  
Emille: ::struts by, dressed as Aphrodite::  
  
Albert: I could, but....::chases after Emille::  
  
Shana: ::pouts::  
  
Haschel and Zieg: I hate my job  
  
THE END  
  
Me: ::twirling around in my skirt:: YEAH! I got my skirt back from Albert!!  
  
Albert: ::wearing his LoD outfit again:: You only had to ask, stealing it from my dressing room was not necessary  
  
Me: But it was more fun ::twirls again:: Don't I look cute! I needed this for my hot date tonight!  
  
Meru: ::twirls with me:: WHEE!  
  
All: What date?!  
  
::Ding dong::  
  
Mateo: Ready to go?  
  
Me: THAT date! Bye! ::leaves::  
  
Lauren: SLUT!! 


	12. One Massive Headache for Me

A/N: Another request! And some clarification -- I have a skirt very similar to Herc's except it's not brown. It's the same length (judging by how Hercules wears it -- he does wear a very short skirt) and it's got the pleat thing going on, except it's denim with black lace. Now that you all officially don't care, I do have one more thing to say -- apparently, there's already an LoD parody of Kingdom Hearts. But it's only got one chapter. Pity, it was pretty good. Wait, I lie, I got one last thing to say: I'm still working on "Nightmare Before Christmas," and I'm probably also going to do "Sleeping Beauty," "Pocahontas," "Cinderella," "Winnie the Pooh," "The Jungle Book," "Robin Hood" (one of my personal favorites), other requests if ya got 'em, and I'll have to rewatch it, but maybe I could get in "Fantasia." But, we'll see how things work out.  
  
Disclaimer: Not the owner of LoD or Disney. ::Sigh:: Yup.  
  
Part Eleven: Tarzan  
  
Cast: Tarzan = Lloyd; Jane = Shana; Jane's dad = Albert; Clayton = Doel; Kerchak = Kongol; Kala = Miranda; Terk = Meru; Tantor = Dart; Sabor = Lavitz; Special Appearence by Lenus, Boberto, Timoty, Nikole, Lorena, Ania  
  
Lloyd Glompers: ::swoon, sigh, scream, cry, and other fan girl type motions at the idea of Lloyd in a loincloth::  
  
Me: ::locks them back in their cage, with the Albert glompers:: Damn bitches. Anyway, it's the role Kongol was born to play!!!  
  
Kongol: Tina mean  
  
Rose and Zieg: Well, if you won't be needed us, we'll be having some alone time ::leaves::  
  
Lavitz: ::grabs a video camera:: And I'll be watching ::follows::  
  
All: Ewwwwwwww  
  
Me: ACTION!!  
  
(We're gunna skip over the part with Kerchak and Kala's baby being eaten by Sabor and Tarzan's parents also being eaten by Sabor. Damn that Sabor. Although the song that Phil Collins sings is pretty tight. In fact, I love this entire soundtrack. While the actors prepare for their parts, let's sit and listen to the opening song)  
  
Readers: Alright  
  
::Opening song plays::  
  
(Isn't it nice that we can listen to a Disney song in its original form, and not effed up by an annoying Legend of Dragoon character?)  
  
Meru, Lavitz, Miranda, Lloyd, Dart, Shana, Haschel (all who did their own sing and dance numbers): WE HATE YOU TOO!!  
  
(Anyway, it's time for Lloyd to prove his worth)  
  
Lloyd: ::standing in the middle of the set:: Before I do, I have a few bones to pick about this part.  
  
Me: Oh god....  
  
Lloyd: First of all, ::twirling his hair around his finger:: WHY do I have PLATINUM DREDLOCKS?! Couldn't you have just given me a wig?!  
  
Me: Because I thought it would be funnier for you to grow out your natural hair [those of you who do fan art, I give full permission to draw and post any of these characters in their Disney costumes, but ESPECIALLY Lloyd in his Tarzan costume with platinum dredlocks]  
  
Lloyd: Don't tell them that!!  
  
Dart: Wait, if that's his natural hair, that means....he hasn't washed it!!  
  
All: GROSS!!!  
  
Me: Is that all the bones ya got?  
  
Lloyd: No! Second, I don't fight with spears, I fight with swords ::throws the spear aside::  
  
Albert and Lavitz: ::fight each other to get the spear::  
  
Lloyd: Finally, WHY THE HELL am I wearing your skirt?!  
  
[Yes, indeed, Lloyd is wearing my infamous skirt that Albert used in the "Hercules" chapter. Like I said, I totally encourage fan artists to draw Lloyd with platinum dredlocks, a spear, and my "Hercules" skirt.]  
  
Me: We're on a very tight budget! I couldn't afford a loincloth for you, and I couldn't let you use Kongol's cuz his is too big for you, and he needs it!  
  
Kongol ::grunt::  
  
Lloyd: A loincloth is semi-manly...but a teenage girl's skirt?! I can't work like this!!  
  
Me: You can and WILL! ::throws him the Dragon Buster:: Here's your friggin sword, now go prove your worth!!  
  
Lloyd: Fine! Where is that damn Sabor anyways?  
  
Lenus: ::in the Sabor costume:: MY LOVE!!  
  
Lloyd: GAAH!! NOOOO!! ::flees for his life::  
  
Me: What the hell?! Where's Lavitz, he's supposed to be Sabor! He requested that damn part too!  
  
Dart: You actually fulfill casting requests? Then why didn't you let me be Gaston in the "Beauty and the Beast" chapter?!  
  
Me: You never requested that part  
  
Dart: Well, I never actually said that out LOUD but....  
  
Me: I still dunno where Lavitz is!  
  
Lloyd: ::still fleeing for his life::  
  
Lenus: ::chasing after him:: Lloyd!! We were destined for each other!!  
  
Rose: I found him  
  
Me: Where is he?  
  
Rose: In some broom closet on the fourth floor. I think the Wingly bitch did that to him.  
  
Me: Did you let him out?  
  
Rose: HAH! Are you kidding? He needs to be punished for taping that "footage" of me and Zieg ::holds a tape behind her back::  
  
Lavitz: ::bound and gagged in a broom closet::  
  
Me: Oh god....why did my security guards even let Lenus through?? Were they sleeping on the job or something??  
  
Rose: You still got those two kids from your first fic working for you? Oh, I was wondering why there were three sets of legs in there....  
  
Boberto and Timoty: ::bound and gagged in the same broom closet as Lavitz::  
  
Haschel: ::sitting at the catering table, munching on some chips:: I am soooooo glad I'm not cast in this mess  
  
Zieg: ::nods::  
  
(This is ridiculous. Meru, Dart, trash the camp!!)  
  
Meru and Dart: YAY!  
  
::"Trashing the Camp" plays on my stereo::  
  
(Once again, the Almighty Narrator saves the day)  
  
Me: The fic's not done yet, don't start gloating  
  
Meru: ::throwing dishes and instruments around:: Shoo-be-do-shoo-be-do-ba- da-da-dee-da-da!!  
  
Dart: ::in his elephant costume:: Stomp, stomp, stomp  
  
Albert: My research!!  
  
Doel: ::fires off his shotgun:: DAMN! I love this role!!  
  
(Hold it guys. We need to have Shana be chased by rogue baboons first)  
  
Shana: Oh how cute, a little monkey ::draws the monkey::  
  
Monkey: ::takes his picture::  
  
Shana: Hey! ::takes it back::  
  
Monkey: ::cries::  
  
Shana: Oh, please don't cry  
  
Rogue Baboons: ::begin to chase her::  
  
Shana: Aaaaaaahhhh!!! ::flees for her life::  
  
(And then Lloyd sweeps her up and leads the baboons on a chase through the vines, where he gets rope burn on his hands and feet [from the vine surfing]. The two get away, but the baboons take Shana's boot, umbrella, and picture.)  
  
(Now it's the scene where Lloyd and Shana are alone in a tree, and Lloyd discovers that there is more people like him in the world. However, this scene would be more relevant if we had shown the scene with little Tarzan and Kala and the heart and eyes and hands thing, but alas, Miranda's voice is still lost and Lloyd was too busy complaining about his costume.)  
  
Miranda: ::do I really need to say what she does? Yup, more profane gestures::  
  
Lloyd: I'm the title character, shouldn't I get a bit more screen time and a better costume than this?  
  
Me: Ya know, you're supposed to give straight narration, NOT biased commentary.  
  
(That WAS straight narration. I was simply telling the readers how we cut one scene, so it is only logical to cut another similar to it)  
  
Dart: I just think she likes to hear herself talk  
  
Lavitz: Sounds like someone else we know ::sideways glance towards Albert::  
  
Albert: What?  
  
Me: ::rubs temples:: Whatever  
  
(Shana returns to the camp)  
  
Albert: Shana, what happened to you?  
  
Shana: ::talking very fast:: Well, I was walking in the jungle and I came across this baby monkey. It was so cute, so I drew it, but it wanted its portrait and I wouldn't give it to him. He started to cry, and then a whole fleet of monkeys started chasing me!  
  
Albert: Fleet of monkeys?  
  
Shana: Yes! And Albert, they took my boot! ::points to her bare foot::  
  
Albert: I got you those boots  
  
Shana: But then, ::dreamily:: I was saved by a wild man in a loincloth!  
  
Albert: ::scandalized:: Loincloth?!  
  
Shana: Well, it looked more like a teenage girl's shirt, but whatever. It says "loincloth" in the script.  
  
Albert: That's even worse  
  
Doel: ::shoots off his shotgun::  
  
Albert: Can we replace that gun with, like, a pop gun? Or squirt gun?  
  
Me: Why, ya scared that Doel might actually succeed in killing you?  
  
Doel: ::cocks his shotgun:: Heh heh heh....  
  
Albert: Yeah, pretty much.  
  
Me: ::takes Doel's gun:: I'll unload it, how does that work for you?  
  
Doel: Awwww  
  
Albert: Ummm....I still don't want to walk in front of him.  
  
Me: Fine. Continue with the story, please.  
  
Albert: We will as soon as a certain wildman makes his entrance  
  
Lloyd: ::hanging above the other three:: Once all the blood rushes to my head, then I'll be down.  
  
Doel: ::shoots Lloyd down:: NEVER hang upside down in a skirt AGAIN!!  
  
Lloyd: ::falls:: OW!!  
  
Doel: Shut up, it's not loaded.  
  
Shana: Um, I present, the wildman.  
  
Lloyd: ::very Steve Martin-like:: I am a wild and crazy guy!!  
  
Meru: ::monkeys-around with Lloyd:: Oooh ooh, aah aah!  
  
Lloyd: How random, but whatever  
  
Albert: Research!! ::grabs a pencil and paper and takes notes::  
  
Doel: You know where the gorillas are? Take us to the gorillas!!  
  
Lloyd: Okay  
  
(In the gorilla's nest)  
  
Kongol: ME HATE HUMANS!! KONGOL SMASH!! ::runs toward Doel::  
  
Doel: ::shoots Kongol::  
  
Kongol: ::falls to the floor, apparently dead::  
  
Albert: You bastard, you loaded it!!  
  
Doel: You're next  
  
Lloyd: Nooooo!  
  
Me: WAIT! Kongol's not supposed to happen till the end! We're only at the half-way point!!  
  
THE END  
  
Me: No it's not!!  
  
Dart: ::back in his LoD garb:: It's not? Oh, well, we already changed out of our costumes. Especially Lloyd.  
  
Lloyd: ::in his LoD garb as well, getting his hair cut by Miranda::  
  
Dart: You're gunna trust her with scissors near your head?  
  
Miranda: ::threatens Dart with the scissors::  
  
Me: Has anyone seen Rose and Zieg?  
  
Shana: Umm, I think they went looking for Lavitz and your security friends  
  
Me: Seriously, where are they?  
  
Doel: Probably making out in the closet next to them...damn, I wish I had a love interest.  
  
Albert: Aww, Uncle's just an old softy  
  
Doel: No, I'm just a man who needs to get laid  
  
All: ....  
  
Lenus: ::isn't it annoying how she keeps popping up?:: SWEETHEART!! DARLING LLOYD!!  
  
Lloyd: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! ::flees for his life with only half his hair cut::  
  
Dart: ::takes Miranda's scissors:: Gimme those!  
  
Miranda: ::pouts::  
  
Me: Oh well, I might as well end it now, my title character is once again on the run. Guaraha, go wash my skirt!!  
  
Guaraha: Yes, Mistress  
  
THE REAL END  
  
Nikole: ::opens a door, looks around:: Hellooooo?? Anyone here?? I think we're lost  
  
Lorena: I f-cking TOLD you that this is not our f-cking fic!  
  
Ania: ::examines a paper sign:: Hmm, "Dragoons Do Disney Movies." Well, we're in the right subcategory, but not the right fic. Although I wish Tina would update our fic. I'm getting tired of waiting around for you guys to rescue me, and Mateo's starting to get on my nerves.  
  
Nikole: ::opening doors:: Helloooooo?? Helloooooooo?? ::opens another door:: Hello -- oh! Hey!  
  
Lavitz, Boberto, Timoty: ::still bound and gagged in the broom closet::  
  
Ania: Is that Boberto and Timoty?  
  
Lavitz, Boberto, Timoty: ::muffled cries::  
  
Lorena: ::shuts the door:: Let's go, some guy in a skirt told me the way outta here.  
  
Girls: ::leave the building::  
  
Lavitz, Boberto, Timoty: ::muffled sobs::  
  
SERIOUSLY, THE CHAPTER IS OVER NOW 


End file.
